


we’re fools loving each other so much (hey trouble, you come without even a warning)

by thewoundupbird



Series: and (i miss you) [1]
Category: Mamamoo, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, healthy helping of angst and complex soul searching, sort of "canon" but also au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:55:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21970261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewoundupbird/pseuds/thewoundupbird
Summary: It had started the way Byulyi imagined these sort of things always did.  With slow-burning tension.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul, Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: and (i miss you) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1777102
Comments: 79
Kudos: 473





	1. Chapter 1

It had started the way Byulyi imagined these sort of things always did. With slow-burning tension.

“She’s really gonna do the show,” Byulyi said, shaking a leg as she sucked on the lollipop that Joohyun had bought her. The other woman regarded her calmly before they both turned to stare out at the vast expanse of the Han River in front of them. It was late at night and poorly lit, making the two of them indistinguishable amongst the couples sitting on the grass next to the paved trails. 

Joohyun simply handed her the cold can of beer without a word before opening up her own can of cola for herself.

“I mean I get it. We need the media attention. Our company isn’t exactly-” Joohyun levelled her with an arched eyebrow and Byulyi choked on her words.

“You can say it.”

“O-our company isn’t exactly SM. We can’t just buy a slew of ads and billboards and…”

“Make people love you?” At that Joohyun ruefully smiled, chin resting on her knees as she slowly swirled her can of coke with a slow twirl of the wrist. Byulyi swallowed at the unreadable gaze captured in the darkness of Joohyun’s eyes.

The two of them had started meeting privately every few months for brisk walks and shared cokes along the Han River. It was the one halfway point that wasn’t too crowded where Byulyi and Joohyun could talk freely like normal people. When it had rained during monsoon season, right at the beginning of Joohyun’s Music Bank co-hosting, they had crowded inside a convenience store with no umbrellas. Joohyun had joked that no one recognized them because their make-up washed off and Byulyi had let out an undignified snort in reply. 

That was before the attention seemed to reach a fever pitch for _Irene_. Byulyi had frowned when she started to see the articles and comments. Gross netizens perving on the length of her outfits when Joohyun hosted. Or angry fans tearing Joohyun apart for a simple smile that she’d exchanged with Park Bogum. And then the same fans tearing her apart when she’d stopped the smiles and kept her exchanges curt and professional.

Byulyi’s jaw tensed when she remembered a tearful Joohyun asking them to go to their usual spot on the Han River.

_“I can’t tell my members about all this,” she sniffled into Byulyi’s collar as the taller girl held her, siting on a bench. She gently tugged Joohyun’s hat lower to hide her face as curious strangers looked at the two girls._

_“Unnie… shouldn’t you talk to one of them about this? At least to Seulgi, maybe?”_

_Joohyun let out a shuddering breath, rubbing at her eyes._

_“I just… I can’t Byul-ah. I can’t be a_ burden _to them.”_

_Byulyi had just silently nodded and pulled Joohyun in for another hug._

“I should support her… right?”

“Do you want to?”

Byulyi sighed through her nose and took a deep sip of her beer. 

“I want to. It’s good for our group in the long-run. A-and Eric is a nice guy. So I hear.”

“But?”

“But I… I still love her.”

When Byulyi glanced over the other woman was staring at her sadly, cheek pressed against her knees. It wasn’t sympathy. The reason why Byulyi had called Joohyun tonight was because she knew the other girl could empathize with her situation. 

Apparently there was some girl in Daegu who still had Bae Joohyun’s heart clutched in her hands without even knowing it. 

“Did you tell her that going on this show would hurt your feelings?”

“Unnie, you know why I can’t do that.”

Joohyun smiled a little at the whine in Byulyi’s voice before staring ahead at the dark water in front of them.

“Don’t want to burden her with your feelings?”

“Wow how’d you know?”

Joohyun giggled into her knees as she rocked a little, making Byulyi smile. Joohyun was too silly for that ice princess persona that was shoved down everyone’s throats. Byulyi had always known that of course when she’d first looked the other girl in the eye and seen the warmth in her gaze, despite how she’d been awkward and stilted as Seulgi exchanged numbers with Byulyi in the back seat of their adjacent vans. Mamamoo and Red Velvet, two rookie girl groups trying to be friends despite the rat race of kpop. 

“Unnie, what would you do?”

“You know what I did, Byulyi. I just let her go. But I… this situation is different isn’t it? This show isn’t real. You haven’t lost her.” 

“Because I never had her in the first place.”

Joohyun sighed and shifted positions, reaching an impatient hand out for Byulyi’s drink. She was rough and not tentative in how she scrabbled at Byulyi’s shirt to shove her protesting arm away.

“Give me that. One can of beer and you’re hopeless.”

Suddenly Byulyi fell back onto her elbows with a very warm Bae Joohyun practically on top of her. She ignored the wetness of her beer that had spilled on the sleeve of her jacket, instead just staring up at Joohyun’s eyes that were so wide. They almost shared a breath in their closeness. Without thinking, Byulyi reached a hand up and mussed up Joohyun’s bangs.

The other girl groaned and slapped roughly at Byulyi.

“Stop being stupid.” With a huff Joohyun started to push away from Byulyi but without thinking she reached up and held her still with a firm hand.

“Do you… do you really think things will be okay, Unnie?”

Joohyun sighed and gave up squirming away, letting herself settle more fully on top of Byulyi who collapsed onto her back with a small yelp.

“You were trying to get me to stay!”

“I didn’t think you’d be so heavy!”

Joohyun gave an exasperated grumble as she poked at Byulyi cheek. It was gentler than Byulyi expected.

“Just listen to me, Moon Byulyi. Don’t drink your feelings away. When you need someone, call me if you feel like you can’t talk to your members.”

Byulyi swallowed as she looked up at Joohyun, eyes clear behind thin wire-rimmed glasses. Her hair was loose around them, a curtain of light brown separating them from the outside world for a moment. It was strange as Byulyi was prone on her back with her face centimeters away from one of the prettiest girls she’d ever seen. But she was still thinking about Yongsun and what she would be doing in this situation. She would have pushed at her chest screaming how weird Byulyi was being and make her buy her dinner or some equal compensation.

Joohyun on the other hand was unnervingly still, her eyes almost fathomless as she held her gaze steady. 

“Likewise, Unnie.”

And when the other woman smiled Byulyi wasn’t quite sure if the stars were in the sky or in the flecks of light captured in Joohyun’s eyes. 

* * *

“Are you texting Joohyun-unnie?” Byulyi asked Yongsun who had curled up on one end of the couch. Yongsun gave her a curious look before sending off her message.

“How’d you even know?”

“You always double check the message you send her. It’s cute, Unnie.”

“Ugh what did I say about being greasy,” mumbled Yongsun as she sat up on her side of the couch. 

“She can’t stop doing that, it’s in her DNA.”

Byulyi swatted behind her at Hyejin who was carrying a plate of cut pears. She yelled out an expletive before sitting down on the floor next to Yongsun’s side of the couch.

“Hyejin-ah, language. If your dad heard you talk like that it’d break his heart.”

“We’re raised swearing in Jeollanam-do, Unnie. You Seoul people wouldn’t understand.”

Byulyi rolled her eyes as she pointedly typed out a message to Joohyun. She hadn’t seen her for the past month and a half because they both were caught up in comeback preparations and events. Byulyi had seen Seulgi once the other week with Wheein, the three of them happily enjoying pork belly and soju before they’d have to do a crash diet for comeback season.

**You’ll text Yongsun-unnie before responding to my message first?**

**Hahaha.**

Byulyi wrinkled her nose at the message and scowled at her phone. She chanced a glance at Yongsun who smiled at something before giving her a wink. Byulyi tried to ignore how the action made her heart pound in her ears.

“Joohyun says hi.”

“I-I don’t care about that! It’s just manners to reply to people in the order that you received messages, is all.”

“Joohyun hadn’t responded to a message from a few days ago. So I think it’s fine, Byul-ah.”

“Stop being jealous, Unnie.”

“Yeah, Unnie!” chimed in Wheein who walked from her room after just finishing a phone call with her mother.

“Wheein-ah, you don’t even know what you’re agreeing to,” Byulyi grumbled as she pillowed her head in her arms.

“Whatever, whatever, can we watch tv? We have to start getting up early for recordings and dance practice soon anyway. Yongsun-unnie, is there anything you want to watch?”

The older girl shrugged and Byulyi glanced at the clock. Then with a wicked grin she snatched the remote from Hyejin and quickly flipped to the channel she wanted.

Instantly her screen was filled with Irene and Park Bogum hosting Music Bank.

“Unnie, we live this every day. Can’t we get a break?” whined Wheein as she reached for a pear Hyejin slid her way.

“Just let me send a video to Joohyun-unnie. Pay back for not responding to me!”

“That’s a stupid way of insulting someone,” Hyejin muttered lowly as she stuffed a pear slice into her mouth with a crunch.

Byulyi aimed her camera phone at the tv and pressed record. When she was done she sent it off to Joohyun-unnie.

**Why would you watch this? I hated that they made me do _aegyo_.**

**It’s cute though? Kekekeke**

**To you and stupid old men, maybe.**

**You calling me an old man?**

Byulyi harrumphed when she didn’t get a reply.

“I didn’t know you were so close to Joohyun, Byul-ah,” Yongsun observed quietly as they all watched a new girl group take the stage and sing their hearts out.

“We have a lot in common.”

“Are you her personal photographer like you are for Yongsun-unnie?”

“No, Seulgi does that for her. We just talk about… things.”

Byulyi shook her leg as she waited for her phone to buzz. But she jerked when she turned a little and saw Yongsun was right next to her, barely a breath apart.

“Are you keeping a secret from me, Moon Byulyi?” she asked quietly, head cocked to the side. There was something teasing in the smile set on her mouth but Byulyi had known Yongsun long enough to be able to tell there was a little uncertainty lining the corner of her eyes.

“O-of course not! We tell each other everything, Unnie! Joohyun-unnie and I, uh, we talk about books!”

“Books?” Yongsun’s face twisted in confusion at the answer she wasn’t expecting.

“Do you even read, Byulyi-unnie? You’re always playing games on your phone.”

“Maybe I’m reading books on my phone!”

“Sure you are. Is that how you turn pages on online books these days? Tapping against the screen a million times?”

“Ahn Hyejin,” Byulyi warned with absolutely no bite, trying to ignore the way Yongsun was looking at her curiously.

“I know you go with her to the Han River sometimes.”

“To talk about books.”

“To talk about books.” Yongsun was still staring at her and Byulyi was trying her hardest to not make it obvious how much the attention was affecting her. Her heart was beating heavily in her ears, making her movements jerky as she abruptly stood up. She ignored Wheein’s yell of protest as she awkwardly walked from her spot on the couch to her room.

“I think I’m going to go to bed now. Enjoy the show!”

Byulyi didn’t have to look to know that Yongsun was still staring after her with that slightly puzzled look on her face.

* * *

“Is it because I’m going on that show?”

Byulyi startled from her pose, keeled over with hands on her knees. She’d been practicing the choreography by herself in an empty room. Yongsun wasn’t supposed to show up for another hour for rehearsals.

“What are you talking about?”

“Is that what you and Joohyun talk about? That I’m going on the show and it stresses you out?”

“It doesn’t stress me out!”

Yongsun’s face twisted and she let the practice room door swing shut behind her as she approached Byulyi. She felt helpless and weak as she wiped at the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand.

“Moon Byulyi you don’t get to lie to me. As a friend or as a leader.”

“I said it doesn’t stress me out! I don’t care that you’re going on that stupid show!”

“Liar!”

Byulyi and Yongsun hadn’t had a big fight in awhile. The cereal box throwing and hair pulling was years behind them but yelling matches that ended in invisible wounds weren’t as uncommon. But Byulyi was particular about the fights she had with Yongsun. They needed to have a foreseeable solution.

Telling her best friend that she was in love with her in order to get her to stop going on a show that could potentially save the waning popularity of their girl group didn’t give many promising options.

“Can’t you just stop butting into my business for once? I’m allowed to have some privacy.”

“It’s my job as a leader to know everyone’s business. Especially yours! You’ve been all over the place in practice these past few days.”

“Thanks, Unnie. I appreciate your constructive feedback.”

“Don’t use that tone with me. I’m talking to you as a leader right now.”

Byulyi grit her teeth as she stared blankly at Yongsun. There was no out here. Either she lied or told the truth. Or take the third option and just leave. 

With a huff she started to walk around Yongsun but the other girl firmly gripped her wrist and pushed her back against the mirrors.

“No, you are not just going to run away this time, Moon Byulyi.”

Byulyi winced at the way her back ached against the glass behind her. But she was properly cornered now, staring at the fury in Yongsun’s eyes with a pounding heart. The other girl took a step closer and jabbed a finger underneath her collarbone, the touch burning the exposed skin with a dainty fingertip.

“I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me lately. There’s clearly something wrong and we can’t solve things if you just hold back like you always do.”

“Maybe it’s none of your business, Unnie! Maybe it’s something that should be held back!”

“I can handle whatever you want to talk to me about.”

“I don’t think you can,” Byulyi said with a scoff, shrugging off the aggressive finger and crossing her arms over her chest.

“I have to because I’m the leader of this group. If you have an issue with me you have to say it to my face like a mature adult and stop skulking around like you’re some mopey child!”

“You don’t know anything about my feelings!” Byulyi yelled, her voice echoing in the room. Yongsun took a step back like she’d been slapped.

“You don’t think I know you, Moon Byulyi? You don’t think I can tell when something’s wrong?”

And then something within Byulyi snapped. Without thinking she pushed forward until she was aggressively in the other girl’s space, hands tightly gripping her upper arms. Yongsun’s nostrils flared at the unwanted contact and she opened her mouth to most likely scream out a stream of angry expletives when Byulyi realized that something wet was trickling down her cheeks. She let out a shuddering whimper and with her hands keeping Yongsun at an exact arm’s length she bowed her head to cry.

“B-byul-ah?”

“You’d hate me if you knew.”

“Byul-ah, please.”

But Byulyi just mutely shook her head, keeping Yongsun in place as she let out another pained whimper. These feelings that had been tearing her chest apart since the summer were finally coming to a head. On one hand she desperately wanted to shout what she was feeling to the sky so that everyone would know. The pressure of it all was crushing her. But on the other hand she didn’t know what she would do if Yongsun looked at her with thinly veiled disgust and pushed her away. 

Sniffling she raised her head and saw Yongsun looking at her with pure concern.

“Will you… will you let me touch you now?” she asked quietly, eyes tracking the tears that seemed to have stopped trickling down Byulyi’s face.

And it was then that Byulyi did the thing she knew she’d regret the following day. But she couldn’t say it out loud. So, she showed Yongsun her feelings with a desperate tug that had that other woman right against her chest. Their faces were close and when Byulyi turned so that their noses almost brushed, she saw the exact moment when Yongsun _knew_. She always teased her about being a pretty fool but Byulyi knew that Yongsun wasn’t a complete idiot.

Her eyes widened just a fraction and her mouth fell open.

“B-byul-ah, I-”

“Don’t,” Byulyi grit out, pressing her forehead against Yongsun’s temple as she desperately tried not to cry. “Don’t say anything. I know, Unnie.”

“I should-”

“Please. Please don’t make me hear it. I know. I know and I will be respectful and you won’t have a problem with me. I’ll take care of it.”

Yongsun was so warm that it was hard for Byulyi to pull away but she did, taking a few shaky steps back before she did something seriously stupid to the other girl.

“I’m going to get some fresh air. Don’t worry about me, Unnie. Please? Things will,” Byulyi swallowed trying to make her voice not crack. “Things will be back to normal in no time, I promise.”

“B-byul-ah we should talk about this.”

“Could we do it maybe a little later? Please?”

There must have been something in Byulyi’s face that lessened Yongsun’s resolve because she just gave her a long look before she nodded once. That was all the permission Byulyi needed to run out the door, forgetting her thick long padded jacket for the cold winter air. 

It’d probably help wake her up from this nightmare, anyway.

* * *

“You haven’t said anything for nearly an hour,” Joohyun commented quietly as she took a sip from the cola Byulyi had bought for her. They were sitting in the back of a McDonalds near the filming location for Music Bank. Joohyun had said it was because she wanted some French fries but Byulyi knew it was because she was worried that she didn’t have a jacket.

“I’m trying to get my nerves up, I swear.”

“I only have another hour and then my manager might actually murder me. Or you. In no particular order.”

“Maybe that’d be a good thing.”

Joohyun rolled her eyes but said nothing, returning to the book she’d brought with her from her bag.

“Do you sometimes wish you’d gone to college?”

“My parents couldn’t afford it. All the money went to the restaurant and getting my little sister through private school.”

Byulyi hummed quietly at the comment. It was so Joohyun. Straightforward and almost insensitive in bluntness.

“I don’t think I would have been smart enough to get into college. But when I was walking over here I saw couples waiting outside the campus gates. Holding hands and talking. It was nice.”

“People like us can’t have that. At least not here.”

“I know. I just…” Byulyi’s eyes filled with tears and she angrily stuffed a few French fries into her mouth in an attempt to stifle her whimper. She chewed the cold salty fries slowly to regain her composure. 

“Did something happen with Yongsun? She called me, you know. Asked me to look after you if you asked to see me.”

“She did?” Byulyi’s eyes widened at the admission. “I didn’t think she’d do that.”

Joohyun scoffed as she stabbed a french fry into the last bit of ketchup, getting a glob on her black sweatpants. Byulyi sighed and started to dab at the stain with a paper napkin without being asked.

“She really loves you, Byul-ah. Even if it’s not the way you want it to be.”

Byulyi swallowed at the comment, head bowed as her hand on Joohyun’s thigh stilled.

“I-I know. It’s just hard to believe that she won’t just avoid me forever like what happened in high school.”

“Yongsun’s an adult. I’m sure she’s not perfect but she tries.”

“When she isn’t throwing cereal boxes at me.”

Joohyun let out an undignified peal of laughter before quickly clapping a hand over her mouth.

“I’m glad you find my pain funny, Unnie.”

“I just… I almost want to try it myself. You must have been so shocked when she did it.”

“I almost killed her,” Byulyi quipped with a grin. Joohyun smiled back at her before glancing down at Byulyi’s hand.

“O-oh sorry! I wasn’t thinking.”

Byulyi pulled back like she’d been burned, twirling her seat so quickly that it spun her in a circle. Joohyun erupted into giggles, trying to turn away so that the sound didn’t echo in the small room.

“You’re so funny sometimes. What am I going to do with you?”

“Never leave me, Unnie. Please!”

Joohyun rolled her eyes as she stood, adjusting her sweats and her oversized jacket that nearly trailed the floor.

“Do you want to come back to the show with me? You can wait in my dressing room until it’s over and then my manager could drive you back.”

“Oh, Unnie, are you sure? Your dorm is on the other side of the river.”

“It’s fine, we have a late morning tomorrow anyway. Plus you can’t be walking around dressed like this. It’s 0 degrees outside.”

Byulyi bit her lip as she self consciously rubbed at her thin long-sleeved t-shirt. She’d been so overwhelmed on the way over that she hadn’t really been thinking about the weather. But now she wasn’t so sure.

“Or should I call you a taxi?”

“Unnie, you don’t have to.”

“I make some money from hosting, Byulyi. You bought me food. It’s only fair that I return the favor.”

“French fries for a taxi?”

Joohyun grinned as she reached forward and dangled the dirty ketchup stained napkin in her fingers.

“And for cleaning services.”

Byulyi rolled her eyes with a sigh as she stood.

“I should be getting back to the practice room anyway. I guess a taxi would be good. If it isn’t too much trouble.”

“Nothing for one of my favorite Mamamoo members.” Joohyun flashed her a smile and it made Byulyi pause. It was too similar to the one she’d see on Music Bank, a little empty and tight around the corners of the mouth. Out of reflex she scoffed.

“You don’t have to pretend with me, Unnie. Just say what you mean. I’m your _favorite_ member of Mamamoo.”

It was Joohyun’s turn to still, face strangely blank as she watched Byulyi begin to clean the tray of half-eaten French fries from the table. When she opened her mouth to ask what was wrong, Joohyun quickly turned away and strode determinedly toward the door, phone against her ear as she presumedly called Byulyi a taxi.

* * *

Things between her and Yongsun were fine. Maybe not perfect. But they weren’t jumping away from each other every time their finger tips brushed and that was all Byulyi was asking for. Time healed all wounds but this wasn’t exactly a wound. Just an adjustment period.

Yongsun had tried to talk about it with her just once which ended with her drinking with Wheein until 1 in the morning, taking the last possible train home. After that Yongsun stopped trying to talk about it.

Things were safe albeit a little hollow. It wasn’t ideal but for now it was tolerable enough to get them through the rehearsals for their upcoming comeback. 

And then they were on Music Bank and Joohyun was there greeting them at their dressing room.

“Oh hi, Unnie,” said Wheein with a smile as Joohyun entered. The other woman gave a tight lipped smile as the door closed behind her.

“I’m glad you’ll be able to perform today. I’ve been listening to your new song.”

“Seulgi mentioned you were singing it at the dorm today,” Byulyi interjected with a lazy smile, earning a pointed look from Joohyun.

“I’m sure Seulgi was complimenting my singing.”

“Oh she did. She mentioned that you also did a great French horn impression for the beginning part. Wee-ooo!”

Hyejin and Wheein burst into giggles and even Yongsun cracked a smile as Joohyun just glared at Byulyi. Despite the look she sat down on the couch next to her.

“You just finished the dress rehearsal for the recording, right?”

“Yeah. We have a three hour break before it all starts,” Yongsun replied before taking a sip of water from the table.

“I think I’ll be taking a nap.”

“I wish I could do that. They want to rehearse my lines again.” Joohyun gestured to the thick stack of cards in her hand with a sad shake. Byulyi leaned closer and glanced at one of the lines.

“Do you really have to say _that_ , Unnie? Isn’t that a little too cute for you?”

“Joohyun-unnie is good at aegyo!” Wheein protested and Hyejin nodded.

Byulyi simply sighed and leaned against Joohyun as the girl silently shuffled through her cards so that Byulyi could look at more.

“Will you show me the one you’ll be doing for us today?”

“It’s a surprise,” Joohyun said quickly, stopping her shuffle and looking challengingly into Byulyi’s eyes. In response Byulyi grinned and bat her eyelashes, trying to make a grab for the stack.

“Unnie,” she whined plaintively but Joohyun firmly rose, cards in hand.

“It’s a surprise. You’ll just have to look forward to it later.”

Byulyi crossed her arms over her chest with a pout as Wheein and Hyejin waved goodbye as Joohyun left. When she turned to grab her water she realized that Yongsun was staring at her oddly. But when Byulyi raised her eyebrows in question she merely got a head shake and quick smile in reply.

* * *

Things always got better before they got terribly worse.

Mamamoo won first place for the first time at Inkigayo and the wins kept flooding in for the whole month. It felt like a dream come true to have her members at her side with confetti in her face as their song played in the background with cheering fans. She almost forget about the conversation with Yongsun earlier that month, taking every day like it was a dream that she’d be waking up from in an instant.

But Byulyi needed a reality check, of course. Whether she wanted one or not.

It was one thing to have Yongsun be figuratively going on this We Got Married show and spending a ton of time filming. It was another thing to be asked to go on a panel and analyze Yongsun and Eric Nam interacting in real time in front of a cast and camera crew. After getting no sleep from filming and shooting for a music show, Byulyi felt hollow as she trekked back to the van to get a ride home.

She practically collapsed into the back of the car, not quite comprehending everything. She couldn’t quite tell if she should be numb or overwhelmed. Maybe both.

Without thinking she was dialing a phone number.

_Hello? Is this number one singer Moon Byulyi?_

“Where are you right now?”

_Um I’m at the dorm. Our promotions are finally wrapping up. Maybe we could go to the river next week?_

“Can I see you?”

_Now?_

Byulyi felt her face flush. She was practically delirious from a lack of sleep and she had to go to another schedule in almost 6 hours. But she just needed to not see Yongsun right when she walked through the door. It would make her go crazy. 

_Did something happen?_

Byulyi let out a shuddery breath and readjusted the phone.

“I um… I was on the show.”

_We Got Married?_

“Yeah, I was one of the people on the panel. We watched their whole segment and did commentary.”

_Oh, Byul-ah I’m… I see._

“Could I just see you? It could be for five minutes if you want. And then I’d go home. I just can’t go right back there now.”

_Sure, I’m alone right now actually. You can come over for a bit if you want. Have you eaten today?_

Byulyi bit her lip, feeling a wave of affection for the other woman.

“Not really. I had some crackers from the convenience store before the shooting.”

_I’ll make you something then. Just give your manager the address. How long can you stay for?_

“Um maybe an hour or so? I have to get ready to go to a schedule tomorrow.”

_Moon Byulyi._

“See you soon, Unnie!”

Byulyi smiled a little at her phone before meeting her manager’s eyes through the rear view mirror.

“Can we swing by Gangnam for a bit?”

“G-gangnam? That’s-”

“Please, oppa. It’ll just be an hour thing. There’s this really good pig’s feet place you can eat at right across the street from the apartment.”

“Will this make you get into a scandal?”

Byulyi rolled her eyes as she read the address from her phone out loud. 

“We’re first place singers now! I can hang out with Red Velvet members without it being a big deal.”

The manager laughed as he turned quickly around the bend of the road.

“If you say so, Moon Byulyi.”

\-------------

“Thanks for letting me come over,” Byulyi said quietly as she slid off her shoes and glanced over at Joohyun. The other woman hadn’t even put makeup on, her hair down in a loose ponytail and glasses firmly on. 

“It’s fine. Today’s my day off. For once.”

“What better way to spend it then with me?”

Joohyun scoffed as she walked over to the kitchen counter, trying to pull something from a shelf in the cupboard. With a grin, Byulyi walked behind the shorter woman, placing one hand on the counter as she reached over and grabbed two bowls.

“Is this what you wanted, Unnie?” she asked as she looked down at Joohyun whose face was suddenly very close. 

“Thanks.” Joohyun took the bowls and maneuvered around her to the stove.

“Ramen? Really?”

“Check the fridge.”

Byulyi raised an eyebrow as she glanced inside and immediately let out a cry of joy.

“Is this allowed? An SM girl group with beer in their refrigerator?”

“You’re collecting any of the cans you drink and taking them with you. We can’t afford a scandal right now.”

“Thanks, Unnie.”

Joohyun just nodded as she spooned a generous helping of noodles and eggy red broth into each bowl. 

“Do you want extra spring onions on top?”

“Sure.”

Joohyun hummed to herself as she pulled a stalk of green onions from the refrigerator, setting it on a pink plastic cutting board. Byulyi watched her back with a faint smile as she heard the clack clack of a knife chopping. It felt so domestic. If they were in We Got Married this would be the part where Byulyi stood and gently hugged Joohyun from the back. They’d stand in each other’s warmth for a moment before Byulyi would maybe lean forward for a kiss.

“What are you doing?”

Byulyi startled, realizing that she was standing behind Joohyun, hands just barely resting on her hips. The knife was raised to cut the last piece of spring onion as if the sudden contact had frozen the other woman in place. And then Joohyun placed the knife down and turned into Byulyi, holding her hands steady.

“Do you really think I could ever replace her?”

“W-what that’s not why I did that!” Byulyi spluttered, face feeling unbearably hot at Joohyun’s proximity.

“Maybe a replacement wouldn’t be so bad. When was the last time you’ve dated someone?”

“I-I-”

“Never?”

“When I was a trainee. It was brief. I think I was into it more than she was.”

Joohyun made a thoughtful noise as she raised a hand, gently brushing Byulyi’s bangs to the side. She narrowed her eyes as she traced the slope of Byulyi’s face with careful eyes, staying steady on the other girl’s mouth.

“Maybe we both deserve something easy. You’d take care of me, wouldn’t you Byulyi?”

“I don’t think I quite know what you’re asking of me.”

“You’re going to go insane from this stress with Yongsun. I haven’t been with someone in nearly five years. Don’t you think we deserve something to take our mind off things for a little while?”

Byulyi let out a shuddering breath as she raised her hands to rest on Joohyun’s shoulders.

“Unnie, you deserve someone who will love you and treat you… better than I could. I still have feelings for someone else.”

“What if I told you I preferred that?”

“What?”

Joohyun’s face scrunched in frustration as she glared off to the side.

“I just… I just think it’s better to be with someone who at least knows the real me than someone who is in love with a poster.”

“There are a lot of people that would fall in love with you, Joohyun-unnie.”

“I don’t think so. And maybe it’s better that they don’t know the real me anyway. You do but you aren’t in love with me. I like that.”

Byulyi scoffed as she tried to follow the conversation with her sleep-deprived brain.

“You want me to… be with you even though I’m not in love with you? Because you think it’d be a good stress reliever for the both of us?”

“I just want to feel like me. These days I feel like all anyone ever cares about is what man I’m being paired with. Or how thin I am. Or how I need to be more ladylike when I laugh.”

“Unnie…”

“When I’m with you at least you make me feel like myself. I don’t feel like I have to be a leader. Or a singer. Or some perfect woman. And you don’t want that from me either. You don’t have any expectations for me at all.”

Byulyi bit her lip as she stared at Joohyun. 

“But don’t you think you deserve someone who actually loves you?”

“Maybe. But I decide who and what I deserve.”

Joohyun reached up and cupped Byulyi’s cheeks, frowning. 

“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop.”

Byulyi took a step closer, pressing Joohyun between her hips and the counter. She leaned closer, their noses brushing as the other woman just stared. It was just a quick peck and then Byulyi dropped her head to rest against Joohyun’s shoulder. Tentatively a cool hand cupped her flaming cheek and gently pulled her face back up.

“Could you do that again?”

Joohyun stared at her so earnestly despite the bright blush coating her cheeks and spreading to her neck.

“You barely felt anything.”

“Exactly.”

Byulyi swallowed before leaning forward and this time Joohyun held her in place, their lips pressing against each other, warm and so soft. She smiled a little as Joohyun’s grip tightened on her cheeks and she carefully held her waist.

“Did you like that?” she asked softly into Joohyun’s ear, feeling her warmth through the thin t-shirt she was wearing.

“Maybe we should do it one more time? To make sure?”

Byulyi scoffed but Joohyun wouldn’t let her say anything as they pressed against each other again.

She would realize later after nearly half an hour of curious kisses against the counter of the kitchen that their noodles had become completely swollen and inedible. And she hadn’t thought about Yongsun once. 

* * *

“They want us to be less public with our friendship with Red Velvet?” Byulyi asked incredulously as Yongsun stared back at her, arms crossed in clear displeasure.

“Yeah I just got out of a meeting with our manager and our CEO. You know the Showtime show and how we were going to do something together? SM pulled out last minute.”

“But why? We just did that article with Seulgi and Wendy yesterday! And we won first place! We aren’t just some girl group from a nobody company anymore.”

Yongsun sighed and dropped her arms, swirling her iced Americano around with her straw. They were in an empty conference room in their company’s building, sharing coffees after Yongsun had a sudden meeting that practically cancelled their dinner plans. 

“You know how it gets sometimes. We’re a small company. They should be spending time with other SM idols. Or some other group.”

Byulyi sighed into her drink as she glared at the table in front of her.

“Joohyun seemed pretty upset about it too. She messaged me while I was in the meeting. I think she went through something similar today.”

“Does this mean we aren’t allowed to be seen with them anymore?” Byulyi asked quietly, pointedly not looking at Yongsun.

“Not forever. But just for a little while. Until our companies calm down. Can you do that, Byul-ah? I know you had something planned with them this weekend.”

Byulyi glanced up at Yongsun and she just felt a little taken aback. The way her dark hair fell over her shoulder onto her white blouse made her look so pretty she suddenly wanted to snap a picture. When her silence stretched for a little too long, Yongsun fidgeted and glanced down at her drink.

“I know it’s unfair but we need to set a good example. I don’t think Hyejin and Wheein are as close to them as we are anyway but still.”

“Of course, Unnie! I’ll um message Joohyun-unnie about it.”

“Great. Thanks.”

Byulyi gave Yongsun a tight-lipped smile as she pulled out her phone and scrolled down to Joohyun’s messages. They hadn’t really had the chance to see each other save for a brief walk along the Han River. Joohyun had held her arm and it felt nice just to walk with a pretty girl amongst other couples and pretend for a little while.

“Byul-ah. I know we sort of agreed not to talk.”

“About?”

“Seriously? Are you really going to say that right now?”

Byulyi sighed as she sent her message to Joohyun and raised her head. This had been the first time she’d seen Yongsun in person since they’d all moved out of their dorm and into their own apartments. They still texted every day and saw each other for schedules but it was different living apart. Even if they lived in the same building.

“Okay, Unnie. What do you want to talk about?”

Yongsun swallowed as she crossed her arms over her chest again, studying her.

“I’ve given you a few months now. How are you feeling? About us?”

Byulyi dropped her gaze back to the table and bit her lip.

“I think we’re fine. You didn’t throw anything at me recently. We haven’t really fought in awhile either.”

“You’re being honest with me?”

“Unnie.”

Byulyi looked up and felt concern furrow her brow at the undeniable tears glistening in Yongsun’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just miss the way we used to be sometimes. It’s sort of like you’re always a little on edge with me now. I want to know if I should be doing something differently or acting differently. But you haven’t wanted to talk about it at all. I just want us to go back to normal.”

Byulyi bit her lip as she started to act instinctively, crossing over to Yongsun’s side and kneeling down next to her. Looking up at the other woman, she hastily grabbed her hand in a tight grip.

“Unnie, you could never lose me. I just… need some time to adjust is all. I was so scared I’d lose you when you found out and it took me time. I thought that you’d yell at me or hate me forever.”

“What? Why would I be like that? Byul-ah you’re… you’re my closest friend. I might be harsh to you sometimes but I’d never hate you for something you feel.”

Yongsun reached down and carefully smoothed Byulyi’s bangs with a small smile. It made Byulyi feel like her heart was throbbing in her chest.

“I know, Unnie. You know how I am. I sit on my worries and don’t really talk about them with anyone.”

“Aigoo, Moon Byulyi. What am I going to do with such a worrywart?” She smiled so fondly that Byulyi had to stand just to regain her composure.

“We’re okay, Unnie. I think I’ll need some time to get over my… feelings. But it’s not your fault. And I’m really grateful that you’re not… freaking out about it.”

“Your feelings don’t make you a bad person, Byul-ah.”

She hummed as she took a sip of her drink introspectively.

“Maybe.”

* * *

Byulyi tripped a little as she tried to maintain her composure, letting Joohyun walk into her apartment. They’d tried to be discreet the past few weeks, only texting and calling when they were alone because of the unsaid rule between their companies. But they finally had a rare window when Joohyun’s members were off doing their respective schedules and Byulyi was home for the afternoon after finishing a photoshoot.

“You really like collecting pictures of yourself.”

“The fans send them in,” Byulyi muttered as she fixed her bangs self-consciously. 

Joohyun just laughed as she strode to the couch and plopped down, curling up on one end. Byulyi approached tentatively, only seeing the top of Joohyun’s baseball cap.

“Are you going to just stare at me? You haven’t seen me in nearly a month.”

“Did you get the flowers? At your last Music Bank recording as MC?”

“Yes they were beautiful. Thankfully the radish drawing in the card was so poorly done that no one really put two and two together.”

“Poorly done? Unnie, that was a very personal drawing from me!”

Joohyun raised her head to smile up at Byulyi, nose wrinkling a little.

“You tease me all the time but when I do it you get all upset.”

Byulyi smiled as she squatted to Joohyun’s level, pillowing her head on her arms on the arm of the couch. She felt a tentative hand card through her hair which wasn’t up in a pony tail for once.

“Tired?”

“Mm, a little. Just finished that shoot. The one for the things that are like salty peppero.”

“Pretz? I thought you already did a commercial for them.”

“Yeah but we did some other stuff. They wanted us to get some pictures taken. You know what I mean, Unnie.”

“I do actually.”

At that, Byulyi lifted her head and smiled at Joohyun who just looked softly back at her.

“Do you want to take a nap?”

“I thought you wanted to… um?”

“We can do that too. But I’m tired. And you seem to be too.”

Byulyi stifled a yawn at that moment, earning a low laugh from Joohyun.

“I haven’t cuddled with anyone besides my members and my sister in a long time. Come here.”

“I haven’t had a girl say ‘Come here’ to me in awhile.”

Joohyun huffed but slid to the side to give Byulyi room as she took Joohyun’s place next to the arm of the couch. Immediately Joohyun was pushing at her until she was on her back, head resting on the soft arm of the couch as the small woman curled herself into Byulyi’s chest. She chuckled as she brought her arms up and held her closer, pulling the ball cap off and placing it on the floor. Byulyi carded her fingers through Joohyun’s soft dark hair, earning a contented little moan.

“I like when people play with my hair.”

“Me too. Maybe if I do a good job you’ll do this to me?”

Joohyun shifted so that her chin was resting against Byulyi’s sternum, a wicked gleam in her eye.

“You’ll have to earn it. Do you think you can do that?”

Byulyi grinned as she leaned down and Joohyun rose to meet her, the kiss warm with a shared smile. 

With Joohyun shifting more firmly on top of her and Byulyi moving to thread her hands through the curtain of Joohyun’s dark hair, she didn’t quite hear the door to her apartment open.

And she didn’t realize that there only was one person who knew her passcode since she lived in the same building and they saw each other every time they had a free moment to spare.

When Joohyun stilled on top of her, she paused from kissing the other woman’s warm neck with a groan.

“Unnie, what is it?” She glanced over her shoulder and saw Kim Yongsun, a hand holding a plastic bag filled with steaming food and the other hand covering her mouth in shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are the moonrene look from this time period: https://twitter.com/thewoundupbird1/status/1255694603996422145?s=20


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh my god.”

Byulyi felt Joohyun fall backwards onto the other side of her couch as she twisted to face Yongsun. The other girl dropped the bag of food she’d been holding in her hand, thick red sauce spilling from the plastic and onto the linoleum floor.

“Oh! Oh sorry I’ll um.” Yongsun scurried back to the kitchen behind her, fumbling for the paper towels she knew were under the kitchen cupboard. Wordlessly, Byulyi stood and walked slowly towards her, putting a hand up to stop her from wetting the towels under the faucet.

“I didn’t know you’d be coming over today,” Byulyi muttered quietly, rocking on her heels as she stared at the side of Yongsun’s face. The other woman was emotionless, jaw clenching and unclenching as she seemed to be thinking of something.

“I messaged you. But you stopped responding and I wanted to surprise you. I hadn’t properly thanked you for shooting that first episode of WGM.”

“You needed someone and I wanted to do it. You’re my best friend, Unnie.”

“I know but I didn’t want to…” Yongsun cast a glance behind her and they both observed Joohyun who looked incredibly uncomfortable on the couch. It almost seemed like she was torn between pretending she was an inanimate object or just getting up and leaving.

“Joohyun-ah, I’ll go soon. I just want to clean up the mess I made. I’m sorry I um interrupted?”

Joohyun’s face flushed and she pointedly stared out the window as if there was something fascinating outside in the muggy Seoul summer air.

“I can go if you want.” 

Byulyi frowned as she left Yongsun’s side and crossed over to her couch. She reached down and plucked the baseball cap from the floor.

“You told me that you worked hard to get the time to come over. You can stay. I’ll hang out with Yongsun-unnie another time. This time I’ll buy the _ddukbokkie_ since she spilled it everywhere.”

“Yah, I was just shocked! How would you feel if you walked in on one of your members…” Yongsun sighed and stomped over to the now inedible food. Gingerly, she scooped up the bag and its leaked contents and started to separate the containers for trash. 

“Sorry, Unnie. I didn’t mean to startle you. Next time you should knock.” Byulyi grinned at Yongsun who just rolled her eyes as she started to wash her hands. Suddenly Joohyun was up and walking quickly to grab a few paper towels to clean the bits of red sauce still on the floor. They both watched as Joohyun got on her knees and quickly scrubbed, tossing her dark hair over a shoulder with ease.

“Do you have any cleaner?” Joohyun asked from the floor without looking at Byulyi.

“Um, not yet? I was-”

“What, no cleaner? How do you keep things clean if you don’t have something to clean your floor?”

“I was going to buy it this weekend, Unnie. I just moved here last week!”

“We should go buy some right now. What are you supposed to do if you can’t have a clean floor?”

Joohyun tilted her head up and narrowed her eyes at Byulyi who had her hands on her hips in exasperation. It was then that Yongsun let out a peal of laughter, trying to muffle the sound with her hands.

“Sorry, sorry! It’s just so funny to see Byulyi getting bullied like this.”

Byulyi’s mouth curled and she turned back to Joohyun who also had a bit of a smile as she scrubbed one last time at the floor with her piece of paper towel. 

“I’m going to go now. But Byul-ah,” Yongsun paused, gently gripping Byulyi’s arm with a concerned look. “Be careful. It’s been a little while since the Showtime thing but I don’t know yet if the ban is completely lifted. Do you know anything about it, Joohyun-ah?”

Joohyun shifted to sitting on her ankles as she sighed.

“I think the fact that they let me leave my dorm without my manager might be a good sign?”

Byulyi hummed in thought as Yongsun squeezed her arm one more time before turning to slide on her shoes. It was strange to be watching her go just as suddenly as she had come. A selfish part of her wanted to kick Joohyun out and have Yongsun stay, ordering a second round of food to share. She’d missed Yongsun since the filming for WGM had picked up. Any moment with just the two of the them was too rare to not treasure.

But she also didn’t want to shove Joohyun out back to her manager. Byulyi had missed her, too.

“I’ll see you both later. Joohyun-ah, can you get Byulyi to eat something? She didn’t have anything all day because of our schedules.”

Joohyun nodded as she rose to stand at Byulyi’s side as they waited to send Yongsun off. 

“Bye!”

“Bye.”

“See you later, Unnie.”

When the door shut and the locks beeped into place, Joohyun turned to say something but Byulyi was quicker, pressing her against the wall and kissing her so hard their teeth clacked together. Joohyun threw her arms over her shoulders in surprise, making a shocked sound when Byulyi started to kiss the side of her neck desperately, clutching at her waist.

“Trying to forget about what just happened?”

“Maybe,” muttered Byulyi as she felt Joohyun’s hands massaged her scalp with dull nails.

“Well I can definitely help you forget then.”

Byulyi paused in her ministrations and Joohyun pressed forward, tongue firm against the seam of her lips as those small hands held her steady. She was helpless but to open up to her as her eyes fluttered closed against Joohyun’s warmth.

* * *

Byulyi had her phone to her ear as she shifted on her feet. She was waiting for Wheein to finish changing so that they could leave the set of Inkigayo after a successful guest MC stint. It had been fun to see Jin’s younger members although she missed Jin himself. Apparently Taehyung was a big fan of Wheein and it had been fun to joke around with the BTS members as they tried to do their best at hosting despite their inexperience.

“Unnie?”

_Hey._

Byulyi smiled at the sleepiness clear in Joohyun’s voice. They hadn’t seen each other for another few weeks since Yongsun had walked in on them. But she’d agonized to her over the phone and text about the stress of hosting. Joohyun had patiently coached her through line delivery and any tips she had time to convey. One day Byulyi had woken up to a text from Joohyun at 3 in the morning that included detailed insight on stage blocking for MC filming.

“Did you see it?”

_Of course. I made my members watch, too. They all said you did a great job._

“Oh, Unnie.” Byulyi grinned as she shifted to see Wheein coming out of the dressing room in a mask and baggy clothes.

_Oh Byul-ah, I wanted to let you know. I got the role for that web drama I was telling you about._

“Wow, Unnie! Your acting debut! Should I call you Miss Actress from now on?”

_What are you saying?_

“Is it Joohyun-unnie?” Wheein whispered. Byulyi silently nodded as she gently squeezed the younger girl’s shoulder and pushed her forward. She weaved past a few idols that bowed when they recognized her face. After a slew of wins from “You’re the Best” it was like a level of respect and manners toward Mamamoo had been required of everyone. 

_Are you leaving the studio now?_

“Yeah, Wheein just arrived. Wheein-ah, say hi to Joohyun-unnie.”

Wheein took the phone easily and greeted Joohyun warmly, laughing at something the other woman said. Byulyi smiled as she watched the conversation unfold for a little before Wheein handed her phone back to her.

_We should all spend some time together soon._

“Maybe, Unnie. When we all have a free schedule.” Byulyi’s smile was a little hollow. The thought of them all hanging out again like the old days was bittersweet. There was a hint of an underlying tension in their interactions after the whole Showtime debacle. Thankfully Byulyi and Joohyun were fine.

_I’d like to see you before filming starts for my webdrama and you have to leave for that concert in America._

“Oh, Unnie. Do you miss me already? Oh no.”

_Moon Byulyi. Don’t take that tone with me or you’re buying food the next time I see you._

“But Unnie, you have to take care of me. Now that you’re an actress you need to feed me and treat me well with all your money.

Byulyi’s smile was so wide her nose and cheeks ached. Joohyun sighed on the other end of the phone.

_I should go before you say something even more ridiculous._

“Bye, Unnie!”

_Byul-ah, make sure to eat something big for dinner. You said you didn’t eat much for lunch today. And you skipped break-_

“Unnie, okay I will. I’ll send a picture okay?”

_Good. Bye._

When Byulyi hung up the phone Wheein was staring at her with an arched eyebrow.

“What?”

“I didn’t know that you and Joohyun-unnie were so close.”

“Oh, well we’ve been hanging out more after we won. Also, we sort of got closer after she hosted for us all those times.”

Wheein held her hands up at the seemingly defensive tone creeping up in Byulyi’s voice.

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing! I think it’s nice that you both are friends. When I saw you interact it always seemed like she felt really comfortable with you. Like you were one of her members.”

Byulyi swallowed at the words, slowing a little. But she couldn’t quite process the uncertainness she felt when she realized she needed to get into the elevator for the basement parking.

“Comfortable, huh,” she muttered half to herself as the elevator doors slowly shut in front of her. 

* * *

“What do you think about reunions?” Joohyun asked quietly against Byulyi’s collarbone as she stroked the other woman’s hair. They had just ate a huge spread of Chinese-Korean food, black sauce smearing both of their mouths. Wordlessly Joohyun had crawled over to Byulyi and snuggled against her, making her groan in protest.

But here they were, holding on to each other as they watched some travel documentary Joohyun seemed intrigued by. It was the one free evening they would have before a lengthy separation of filming and concerts.

“Like school reunions?”

“Yeah. A group of people want to get together for something next month.”

“In Daegu?”

Joohyun nodded against her neck, face turned away from the tv screen.

“Do you want to go?”

A soft sigh.

“I… I don’t really know yet.”

“It’s okay if you don’t end up going, Unnie. There’s no pressure.”

“But the reason I don’t want to go… it’s cowardly.”

Byulyi paused. Her and Joohyun were extremely candid towards each other but it usually stayed within the realm of hardships related to their work or Yongsun-unnie. Veering off the usual path was unfamiliar to both of them.

“Unnie,” Byulyi prompted gently, shifting away so that she could look into Joohyun’s eyes. The other woman’s face was flushed and she was clearly avoiding eye contact. 

“I’m… you know about Yoobin.”

“The girl you liked so much in high school you made her give you her gym uniform?”

“Mm. Well she’ll be there.”

Byulyi frowned at the way Joohyun hid her face again, small hands tightening on the loose fabric of her shirt.

“Didn’t you see her last time you went to Daegu? I thought you both were still close.”

“It’s just…” Byulyi felt the other woman’s face scrunch up in frustration. She merely let out a small smile and gently massaged soft dark hair. Yongsun sometimes wouldn’t know when to stop saying something. With Joohyun it was like fishing blindly. And usually Byulyi wouldn’t get a bite.

“It’s a high school reunion,” Joohyun admitted in small voice. “Being with them all again… I can’t be anyone but the person I used to be.”

“Oh, Unnie.”

“I’m worried that I’ll be that girl again… the one who’d always just look at her back.”

Byulyi’s jaw clenched at the way Joohyun’s voice cracked. Wordlessly she tightened her grip around Joohyun’s small body, fiercely glaring at the canopy of some distant rain forest on her television screen. Byulyi ignored the way Joohyun’s body tensed in her arms as she gently rocked them back and forth. 

“I had someone like that in high school too, Unnie. I followed her around like a puppy even though she’d just bounce around from boyfriend to boyfriend. I’d get her water during gym class and let her copy my notes when she’d skip cram school. Sometimes… sometimes I wonder if that’s the only way I know how to love someone.”

Joohyun stilled at the words and suddenly Byulyi’s shoulders were pressed hard against the cushions of her sofa. To a lot of people, having Bae Joohyun straddling their lap in a shirt so loose a bare shoulder peeked out would have been the ultimate fantasy. But to Byulyi all she felt was concern at the way Joohyun watched her with eyes that were like shutters firmly keeping any hint of illuminating light trapped inside.

Byulyi watched as Joohyun’s lips twitched and her eyes blinked slowly, like she was trying to carefully think about what to say. But Byulyi didn’t want pitying words. So instead she just roughly tugged and pulled Joohyun’s wet mouth against hers.

“We don’t have to talk anymore, Joohyun-unnie,” she whispered against the underside of the other woman’s jaw as she fumbled with the tie of her sweats. 

Joohyun made a quiet noise of affirmation before she gripped Byulyi’s shoulders tighter.

“Is this okay?” she asked in a cracked whisper as she paused her hand above the waistband of Joohyun’s pants. They’d fooled around without various articles of clothing before, but this felt different.

Joohyun answered her with a shaky nod as she kissed Byulyi again, a wet tongue against the parted seam of her lips. As the other woman’s warm tongue slid over her own, Byulyi let her hand tease the soft cotton of Joohyun’s underwear. When she slipped her hand into wetness, Joohyun’s body seemed to move with a single purpose. She found her rhythm as Joohyun curled her tongue behind Byulyi’s teeth, making her hiss a little as she felt wetness on her fingers.

“I’ll take care of you, Unnie,” she whispered as she shifted, her mouth soft against Joohyun’s ear. “I’ve got you.”

Joohyun just rolled her hips forward, making it easier for Byulyi to find a pace that Joohyun liked for her fingers. Grunting, she shifted forward, meeting the other woman’s movements with desperate thrusts. She gripped Joohyun a little too hard with her free hand on a bony hip to steady her. Joohyun just clutched at her shoulders, leaving wet bruising bites along her neck and collarbones.

“I-I’m-”

“I’ve got you Unnie, it’s okay.”

Joohyun turned a little to look at her then, dark hair matted to her sweaty temples and brown eyes glittering in the filtered cityscape and the forgotten flash of the television. Byulyi felt her chest tug at the sight. This was a side that Joohyun never let anyone see, she knew. This wild thing with no stiff shoulders or camera ready smile. 

Byulyi gave one last jerk of her wrist, the heel of her palm rubbing against Joohyun’s clit and her back arched as she let out an uncharacteristically loud moan. A part of her wanted to laugh at the surprising sound. But instead, Byulyi gently stroked the other woman until her hips ceased moving.

Joohyun slumped against Byulyi’s side, letting her hold her close. Thoughtlessly she pulled her hand from Joohyun’s pants and with pointed eye contact, licked her fingers clean. Brown eyes watched her with intent, glittering like lightning.

“Are you ready for bed?” Byulyi asked, ignoring her own wetness and the desperate need to finish. Joohyun blinked slowly, seeming to wake up from the haze of post-orgasm.

“You don’t think I’d return the favor?” Joohyun asked strangely, face drawn so that the only thing that betrayed her was the reedy tone of her voice.

“Um, I…”

Joohyun rolled her eyes and suddenly she was alert and eager as she pushed Byulyi onto her back.

“Byulyi, I’ll give you just as much as you give me. I promise.”

For a moment, she was frozen as she looked up at Joohyun who didn’t seem to realize the gravity of what she’d said. Like she didn’t know that she was carelessly filling the cracks in Byulyi’s heart. 

* * *

“A day off?” Byulyi asked curiously as she pressed her phone against her ear. She squinted at the clock on her microwave in her kitchen. The quick diversion made her almost slice off her finger as she finished cutting her spring onion to top off the delivery food she’d just received.

_Yeah, they cancelled filming today so I thought we could see each other again. I’m actually in your neighborhood_.

Byulyi glanced at Joohyun’s bare back for a long moment as the other woman obliviously pulled an over-sized hoodie over her purpling back, flipping her dark hair out of the collar.

“Uh, sure, what time?”

_Is Joohyun over again? We can see each other later if you want to spend time with her._

“What? No it’s fine! We were just finishing up.”

Joohyun gave Byulyi an odd look as she realized what she’d just said and sucked on her teeth in embarrassment.

_Um. Okay should I just wait at the coffee shop across the street?_

“Sure, Unnie. I’ll just… ugh, okay see you soon.”

_Yep. Bye._

Byulyi sighed as she glanced down at the takeout she would have to save for another time.

“Unnie, here, eat this. I’m going to go see Yongsun-unnie.”

“What? You want me to eat at your house without you here?”

“Your manager is picking you up in fifteen minutes anyway.”

Joohyun was looking oddly at Byulyi as she glanced at the plate of food in her hands.

“So you’ll let me eat alone in your house while you go see Yongsun? Somehow I feel like the other woman.”

“Well you’re not exactly that.”

“Then what-” Joohyun brows creased for a moment like her tongue caught up with her brain and suddenly she stopped talking. They hadn’t really talked much after last night. There was a heaviness to that brief conversation that had made Byulyi want to paint Joohyun’s back with bruising purples and reds. Joohyun had done the same.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Byulyi opened her mouth to say something, anything to stop the strangeness that was slowly filling the silence between the two of them. But her phone beeped with a message from Yongsun. She was at the café with two iced drinks.

“Go on ahead. She’s waiting.”

There was something in the curve of Joohyun’s crooked smile as Byulyi started to walk past her. It made her thoughtlessly reach a hand out and loosely cup her cheek.

“Unnie, are you alright?”

The smile froze a fraction and Byulyi couldn’t believe she almost caught it. But it was that split second between a polished icy veneer and undeniable cracks that made her stomach flip.

“Byulyi, you should leave. She’s waiting.”

“But…” Byulyi paused at the unexpected word. Joohyun was her friend but Yongsun was… Yongsun. Joohyun was leaving soon and it wasn’t like they’d have enough time to do anything more. It shouldn’t have mattered if she left. It didn’t matter. And yet.

Joohyun stared at her like she regretted she’d opened herself up to Byulyi. Even though it seemed like all she wanted was to be thrown away.

“Don’t make me kick you out of your own house,” Joohyun joked roughly. But Byulyi couldn’t help swallowing. It all felt so wrong. Like she’d messed up somehow.

“I’ll see you soon, Unnie. After your reunion I’ll be back in Seoul. We should see each other again.”

“Even if it’s brief?”

“I’ll take whatever I can get.”

Joohyun’s eyes narrowed and there was something vulnerable in the way she relaxed her shoulders a little, finally leaning into Byulyi’s touch as she reached up to lightly hold her palm in place.

“All we can give each other are pieces of ourselves, it seems.”

And even though Byulyi knew Joohyun seemed to be thinking of broken things, all she could think of were the beautiful broken pieces of glass that slid together to become mosaics.

_I’d rather have a piece of you than a whole of anything else._

“Take care of yourself, Unnie. I’ll see you soon.”

Joohyun’s eyes shuttered closed for a moment and it was like they were both savoring whatever was happening between them. Like bitter coffee, richly coating the tongue, they swayed in the heaviness of the brief seconds before Joohyun pulled away and strode to put on her shoes. Byulyi couldn’t bear to look at her back so she looked instead at the food cooling on the counter. It’d go rotten, she thought. But she couldn’t quite bear to throw it away.

Not yet. 

* * *

They still texted like nothing was different between them. But Byulyi couldn’t deny that when she saw a notification from Joohyun she’d be a bit too quick to open it, eager for the most likely one sentence reply. Sometimes if she was lucky she’d get pictures, blurry things with the edge of Joohyun’s eyebrows or eyes. Occasionally the curve of a red smile with a cast member from her show’s filming posing in the background.

Byulyi drank it all in, unsure of why it mattered to get bits and pieces from a girl she wasn’t even dating.

“Who’s that?” Minji asked with a tilted head as Byulyi finished a quick response to Joohyun under the table. It was nice to finally be seeing her high school friend after months of just texting and an occasional phone call. 

“A friend,” Byulyi replied quickly as she pointedly placed her phone next to her untouched water glass, face down.

“Touchy touchy. Is she cute?”

“Yes. I mean… we’re not dating so it doesn’t even matter.”

“Oh Byulyi, is this another straight girl? We talked about how you have got to stop chasing after them.”

“Do you remember Chaeyoung?”

Minji paused at the sharp question, her grip on the tongs in mid flip of a greasy piece of pork belly held in suspension over the smoking grill.

“Uh… I thought the last time you blacked out drinking about her we agreed to never say her name again?”

“Maybe I want to talk about it. Her.”

“Is this the part where we talk about the unhealthy way you cope with your feelings?”

“Just because you studied psychology in college doesn’t mean you get to psychoanalyze me,” grumbled Byulyi as she defiantly took a bite of radish kimchi.

“I’m just saying. I’ve known you forever, Byul-ah. I’ve seen you pine for girls in high school. But when someone would actually show you interest or half the kindness you’d pour out toward your crushes, you wouldn’t know what the hell to do about it. You’d just avoid them.”

“I’d only be happy if I could have pieces of them. But when I was faced with actually having a chance I’d just-”

“Be a complete moron and run away?”

Byulyi glared at Minji who just gave her a playful smile.

“I’m only letting you say that because your mom would be so sad if I murdered you.”

“I love you too, Moon Byulyi. But anyway, that’s why when you liked Chaeyoung, it made sense. She treated you horribly but gave you enough scraps to get you to follow her around like a little puppy.”

“She kissed me. Once.”

Minji paused at that, squinting through the smoke from their barbeque. Without thinking Byulyi pressed the button on the table to get someone to swap out the grills.

“What? She kiss-” Minji clamped her mouth shut as a waitress came by with a new grill and carefully removed the old charred one. Byulyi smiled in thanks and ignored the way the other girl’s eyes widened in undeniable recognition. Maybe she was a fan. 

“She kissed you?” Minji hissed. “And you didn’t think to ever tell me this because?”

“I knew you’d just say it was her manipulating me.”

“Would I be wrong?”

Byulyi’s mouth quirked a little as she reached for her class of _somaek_ , swirling the golden liquid experimentally before taking a long sip.

“So, she kissed you. Was this before or after she left you waiting for her in the rain for two hours after cram school to give her notes?”

“After. I think she knew I was getting tired of it. She kissed me and I just… I knew it meant something different for her than for me. It actually helped me end it quicker.”

“God that bitch… when we have our next high school reunion, you’ll need to stop me from drinking too much. I may try to strangle her in the bathroom again.”

“It was really hard to pretend like you’d just slipped and coincidentally were reaching for her throat, Minji-yah. I can’t believe she even bought that lie.”

Minji just rolled her eyes as they clinked glasses to finish off the last of their drinks. 

“She wasn’t exactly the brightest, Byulyi. You definitely prefer beauty over brains.”

“That’s not true. Not anymore I think.”

“Oh?” Minji’s eyes widened comically. “You have to spill! Now that you’re a semi-famous idol with ads on things I am actually willing to buy, I have to know what cute idol you might be dating.”

“We aren’t… we aren’t dating.”

“Okay okay, whatever you kids call it these days. Tell me about this girl… friend.”

“Make me another glass and I’ll tell you about her. But I probably shouldn’t give her name. She’s a little… famous I guess.”

“Oh wow, Moon Byulyi, you’re reaching for the stars as usual. Really living up to your name.”

Byulyi rolled her eyes as she watched Minji haphazardly pour a shot each of soju into their glasses before a generous splash of beer all the way to the rim. When she tried to stick her chopsticks into the drinks to create a fizz, Byulyi swatted at her hands with a hiss.

“Don’t waste it, Minji!”

“Anyway. Anyway! So this girl. So from what you’ve told me I know that she isn’t stupid and you aren’t dating. What else?”

Byulyi bit her lip as she glanced at her phone, still face down. She had a few pictures she’d taken with Joohyun when they’d hung out. She looked different than the pictures floating around online or on billboards. A little more tired. A little more real with a smile that actually reached her eyes.

Thoughtlessly Byulyi unlocked her phone and started skimming for a good one to show Minji.

“Is she older or younger than you?”

“Older.”

“Wait. Wait don’t tell me it’s Yongsun. It’s not Yongsun-unnie right? In your group?”

It still stung a little but it wasn’t as painful as the thought used to be. The absence of a full wince actually surprised Byulyi as she easily shook her head before handing Minji her phone.

“This is her.”

Minji curiously grabbed at the phone, pausing as she zoomed in on Joohyun with her fingers. Her jaw dropped.

“You’re dating a member of Red Velvet?!”

“Kim Minji, would you be quiet,” hissed Byulyi as she nervously glanced around the restaurant. Luckily everyone was too absorbed in themselves to notice Minji’s outburst.

“We aren’t dating. I didn’t know you were a fan of hers.”

“We both like SM idols. After the tragedy of Girl’s Generation and f(x) who else was supposed to fill the void?”

“I couldn’t exactly stan a group that I was sort of friends with. That would be… weird.”

“But it didn’t stop you from dating said group’s leader.”

Byulyi rolled her eyes as she sipped at her drink, ignoring the liquid that spilled over and stained her jeans.

“We aren’t dating so it doesn’t matter.”

“Is she as quiet as she comes off in interviews?”

“She’s… she’s a bit on the shy side. But when she talks it’s really purposeful? Like I can tell when she says something, it’s meaningful to her.”

“Oh wow. It must be hard to actually have a brain when she gets marketed only as a visual. She’s quite a dancer.”

Byulyi smiled a little into her drink as she thought of the one time her and Joohyun had danced together at the Han River. It had been before it had all started, bundled up in thick puffy jackets and trying to do a popping dance under a bridge. They’d laughed so hard that everyone walking by had given them a wide berth.

“Oh Moon Byulyi, that smile. You really like her.”

“I-I don’t! Not really. I think.”

“Why? Would it be a bad thing if you did? Is she like Chaeyoung?”

“Not at all! No. Joohyun-unnie treats me really well. I actually wish she’d be nicer to herself sometimes.”

“It’s good that you can depend on each other then. She must get what you’re going through.”

“Yeah, she does.”

Minji and Byulyi shared a smile. 

“Minji-yah, if I like her. What do I do?”

“Huh?”

“You’re right. I’m not good at liking someone. I don’t want to be bad at love anymore.”

“Oh hey, Byulyi, you’re really good at love. You just hadn’t found the right person to hold your heart. You need someone to treat your needs just as importantly as you do theirs.”

Byulyi bowed her head for a long moment, fingers sliding over the fading stain on the inner thigh of her light jeans.

“I think… she does that.”

“Then it’s easy!”

Byulyi sucked on her teeth as she looked off the side, pensively sipping at her drink and ignoring her phone with the pictures and the messages that said otherwise.

* * *

After they’d filmed the counseling Vapp, Yongsun adjusted the phone so that she could check a text.

“I think things are better between us,” she announced with finality like she was reading a weather report.

Byulyi stiffened next to her, resisting adjusting her glasses.

“R-really?”

“Do you not think so? Are we not okay?”

“Um I…” Byulyi paused waiting to see how she felt at protesting. But honestly it did feel better. Even though one of the questions from their viewers had been a little awkward, asking about the risks of confessing to a best friend, they’d gotten through it alright. It was nice to just be with Yongsun and not have to worry about the weight on her chest that seemed to bog down every little interaction she had with the other woman.

It wasn’t perfect but they were on the mend.

“I think so, too.”

“Good. You’re one of the most special people in my life, Moon Byulyi. Don’t you ever try running away from me again.”

“I think I’d be too scared to.”

Yongsun turned to give her a pointed glare before defiantly grabbing a handful of chips and stuffing them into her mouth.

“You’ll just have to find someone else to want to date that adorable face,” Byulyi joked, ignoring the split second of shock on Yongsun’s face that quickly shifted to calm. 

“That person’s out there. Hopefully also with a bank account of a billion won.”

“I think no one in the world is that lucky, Unnie.”

Yongsun just rolled her eyes, raising her hand to flick a chip at her before pausing. 

“If I invited Joohyun over do you think she’d give me cleaning tips? I’ve noticed your place is even cleaner than before.”

“She hasn’t come over in awhile, Unnie. I’m actually pretty neat, too.”

“Joohyun does good laundry though. She was bragging about it to me. Also that’s always her talent on variety shows.”

“She just knows the good fabric softeners.” Byulyi got up and they both walked over to the sink to sort the trash.

“We Got Married is going to be done in October,” Yongsun observed as she poured food waste into a bright yellow plastic bag. 

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we talked to the PD. It’s because we’re going to have a comeback around that time.”

“Is that what your meeting was about yesterday?”

Yongsun smiled as she nodded, tying the food waste bag with flourish.

“I know everything was a bit shaky before we got number 1 but now… I really think we may be going somewhere, Byul-ah. We might not just be some one hit wonder. If we can just keep getting ads and tv appearances…”

“We just have to keep working at it, Unnie. We have our fans and our company behind us.”

Yongsun and Byulyi shared a smile and she got a strange urge to hug the other woman. Even though they were holding take out trash in their hands, the moment felt strangely memorable. She’d remember this for a long time, sharing her dreams with her best friend with what felt like a world of new possibilities in front of her. 

* * *

Byulyi felt uncharacteristically nervous as she waited outside her house, checking her phone for the nth time. It’d been a little over a month since she’d seen Joohyun in person. Everything seemed fine over text but she couldn’t help wincing at the way they’d ended their last interaction. Byulyi hadn’t been able to eat from that takeout place since then because of it.

“You didn’t have to wait outside.”

She swallowed as she raised her head and saw Joohyun, ball cap low on her face in twilight. For once she was wearing shorts and short sleeves to match the thick and muggy July air. Usually they matched in their oversized casual clothing. Seeing Joohyun’s bare legs made her swallow.

“Hey, Unnie. It’s been awhile.” She stood easily, letting Joohyun walk closer. God she was pretty, she thought carelessly.

“You said you’d give me a summertime special tonight. Is that a sex thing?”

“W-what I um no! No! I just bought a watermelon and thought we could share it. If you mix the juice with soju it tastes really good apparently. But I got you cider. Since you don’t like alcohol.”

“I’ll drink tonight,” Joohyun muttered as she walked past Byulyi, typing in the entrance code to the apartment building with ease. The sight made her throat a little dry, Bae Joohyun glancing at her expectantly over her shoulder.

“I thought you said you hate alcohol.”

“It doesn’t hurt to change things once in awhile.”

“Okay. Well we need to buy snacks anyway. Come with me and we can get what you want. Maybe I’ll get you your old lady ice cream as a treat.”

Joohyun smiled as she followed after Byulyi down the vacant street, shoulders brushing.

“You missed me.”

“What? I don’t know about that, Unnie.”

“You don’t usually wait outside for me to come over.”

“That was so we could go to the convenience store right away. To save time.”

Joohyun just gave Byulyi a dubious look that made her face feel hot.

“I got you something from Daegu.”

“Oh, the reunion! You didn’t send me any pictures after you got to the restaurant.”

“I didn’t really take any.”

They paused their conversation as Byulyi held the door open for Joohyun, both of them getting blasted by freezing air conditioning from the convenience store. 

“Welcome,” droned a bored teenager from the front counter, not even bothering to glance up from his phone.

“I like the pictures you send me,” muttered Byulyi as they weaved through the aisles of snacks. Joohyun paused in front of a display and leaned forward on her knees, squinting at the labels.

“Are those the spicy shrimp ones? I forgot my glasses in my manager’s car.”

“Unnie,” Byulyi sighed as she adjusted her glasses on her face, getting shoulder to shoulder to read the packaging.

“Non-spicy. I’ll also get the potato stick ones you like.”

“You know I’m buying, right? Did you actually think I’d make you pay for this?”

“Why?”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you. Plus, I made some money from acting in that webdrama. I want to treat you.”

Byulyi was grateful that Joohyun was practically blind so that she couldn’t see the smile stretching her cheeks.

“I don’t say no to free food.”

“Thank goodness. With Wendy it’s like pulling teeth trying to get that girl to take something for free.”

“Don’t worry about that from me. I like being spoiled.”

Joohyun’s face stilled at the words and she curiously turned to study Byulyi. Suddenly she reached forward and adjusted the brim of Byulyi’s hat so that it almost bumped against the rims of her glasses.

“Good. I like treating the people I care about.”

“I look forward to it, Unnie.”

Joohyun turned away suddenly at the words, the hunch in her shoulders tipping Byulyi off that she was embarrassed. Byulyi tried not to laugh as she trailed after Joohyun who randomly grabbed a few more bags of treats before dumping everything onto the counter. The teenager didn’t even glance up as he began bagging things, letting Joohyun give him a card with barely a word between them.

“These too,” Byulyi stated emphatically as she placed two ice creams on the counter. Red bean for Joohyun and watermelon for herself.

“You’re going to have watermelon in a little bit. You want watermelon ice cream, too?”

“Please, Unnie.”

Joohyun huffed and slid the ice creams into the teenager’s hands.

“These too, please.”

The boy raised his head to say something but when he saw Joohyun and Byulyi he paused, frowning.

“O-okay.”

Byulyi wordlessly grabbed the two bags he shoved their way and pushed the door open with her hip.

“Have a good evening,” the boy’s uncharacteristically cheerful voice filling the empty store as they stepped into the oppressively hot summer heat.

“Wait a second.”

Byulyi paused as Joohyun reached into one of the bags and pulled out the ice creams. She watched a little helplessly as the other woman unwrapped Byulyi’s first, gently sticking it into her mouth. Byulyi started to adjust the two bags to one hand but Joohyun was already there, taking a bag from her with a crooked smile.

“You don’t have to do that all by yourself, Moon Byulyi. I can help you once in awhile.”

She clenched her jaw at the words, watching carefully as Joohyun stuck her own ice cream in her mouth with a free hand. Byulyi stopped walking for a moment, staring at Joohyun’s slight back in the summer twilight. Her white shirt seemed to shine a little in the grey of the shadows from the bordering apartment buildings. When she glanced over her shoulder, popsicle still in her mouth, Byulyi felt weak in the knees.

_She’s mine_ , Byulyi thought stupidly. Thought, wished, _hoped_.

When they got back to Byulyi’s apartment, she’d already finished her ice cream so she was the one to type in the code to get them inside. When the AC hit them as they stepped toward the elevator, they both shared a smile in relief.

“Unnie, give me your popsicle stick. I’ll throw it away.”

Joohyun smiled a little as she simply took a step closer and maneuvered the piece of wood with her tongue and teeth so that it was within Byulyi’s grasp. With a good-natured eye roll she started to reach for it before realizing they were completely alone and the elevator still had ten floors until it would reach their floor. With one glance at the entrance she stepped forward and tugged the stick out of Joohyun’s mouth with her teeth.

Seeing the other woman’s face flush at the sudden close proximity almost made her spit out the sliver of wood in laughter.

“W-why would you do something like that?” muttered Joohyun as they stepped into the elevator together.

Byulyi just laughed, shifting the stick into the pocket of her cheek.

“Does this count as an indirect kiss, Unnie?”

“It’s the wrong end of the popsicle stick. So no.”

“You should fix that.”

“The popsicle?”

“No, the kissing.”

They turned toward each other at the same moment and even though the fluorescent lighting was not romantic in the slightest and Joohyun probably could barely see her face without glasses, it felt strangely special. 

“Hi,” Joohyun said softly, eyes tracing Byulyi’s face and lingering on her mouth.

“Hey. It’s been awhile, right?”

“Can I say I missed you?” Joohyun asked in a small voice, dropping her chin as she hesitantly grasped Byulyi’s wrist with tentative fingers. When the elevator door opened, Byulyi was gentle in leading them toward her apartment without breaking contact. She somehow managed to open her door without looking like a complete dork and they were finally inside. 

Finally, Byulyi dropped her bag and pressed Joohyun against the door, pulling the popsicle stick from her mouth in one fluid motion before pulling the other woman into a kiss.

Joohyun felt familiar against her mouth in a way that felt both comforting and exciting all at once. Hands reached up and knocked her baseball hat off her head eagerly, starting to undo the tie holding her hair at the nape of her neck. Byulyi pulled apart a little and nuzzled against Joohyun with a smile. She felt herself being pulled closer as the other bag of snacks was consequently dropped to the floor.

“I missed you, too. A lot actually.”

She felt Joohyun sigh against her. The hands stopped and Byulyi felt herself being pushed gently away so that she was arm’s length from the other woman.

“I think I want a drink. I’ll pour?”

Byulyi nodded uncertainly, trying to commit Joohyun’s face to memory as she knelt down to pick up the snacks and walk toward the kitchen. 

* * *

“Unnie,” she breathed against Joohyun’s collarbone. They’d nearly finished a bottle of soju and a good portion of their snacks. Half of the watermelon was scraped clean in front of them. Joohyun had joked in a fit of giggles that they should make couple hats with the rind.

Byulyi understood now why Joohyun never liked drinking. Her face flushed, her words slurred, and she was so open with big smiles and loud laughter. There was no control and precision in this Joohyun. It was all instinct and feel.

“Hey, have some water.” Byulyi handed Joohyun a glass and watched her drink greedily, getting most of it on her white shirt. She tried not to stare at the dark bra revealed from the water stains.

“You didn’t tell me. About the reunion.”

“Reunion? What is there to tell?” Joohyun snuggled against her, letting Byulyi more firmly wrap an arm around her shoulder. She tried to ignore the purposeful hand creeping up her pants leg. For some reason the question felt important.

“You were nervous about it when we last talked in person. I just wanted to make sure it went alright.”

Joohyun pulled back and her jaw clenched as she turned to look out the window for a long moment, her shoulders taut.

“It went.”

“Unnie.”

“It doesn’t matter. Maybe I just don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“We can talk about it later though. If you want.”

Joohyun snapped her head toward Byulyi and her eyes glittered.

“That’s not exactly what this is for though, right? We hang out. Maybe have sex. Flirt. I’m replacing Yongsun and you’re giving me stress relief. I didn’t think talking about my personal life was a part of that.”

Byulyi felt like the air had been punched out of her chest. She shouldn’t have wanted anything more when that’s how they’d started. Joohyun was essentially repeating what they’d agreed to months ago. But to hear it _now_? 

Now it hurt like hell.

“I… sorry, Unnie, I didn’t mean to overstep.”

Joohyun hung her head a little as she reached forward and poured herself another shot from a new bottle. Byulyi didn’t even try to chide her about the superstition that pouring a shot for herself would guarantee her at least 7 years of bad dating. Maybe Joohyun wanted that anyway.

“She got engaged. Yoobin.”

“Oh. Oh Unnie, I’m-”

“Don’t. Don’t say sorry. It’s fine. I don’t know why I even… it didn’t really… I’m…” Joohyun let out a wet laugh before taking a brave sip of soju. Her face twisted into a grimace and Byulyi reached for a spoon to start at the other half of the watermelon. When she handed Joohyun a spoon the other girl shook her head.

“I want something bitter right now. I don’t like being distracted when I feel something.”

Byulyi nodded and simply put the watermelon in her mouth, needing some sweetness to dull the pain in her chest. 

“I’ve loved her for so long, Byulyi. I always appreciated distractions but with her getting married… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t think I know how to love properly. It’s always just been her and I-”

Joohyun choked on her words, tears spilling from her eyes. Byulyi turned and waited, seeing Joohyun cover her eyes with her free hand for a second, tensing her whole body like she could will the tears to stop.

“Unnie. Unnie can I hold you?”

Joohyun shook her head, heaving a shuddering sigh before looking up at Byulyi with red eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m… Sometimes I wish I could always just be Irene. She’s a good singer and dancer. She can smile at everything and she isn’t a _mess_.” 

“I don’t think I could fall in love with Irene.”

They both stilled at the sentence, the words filling the air between them with an almost oppressive heaviness. Byulyi knew she could never take those words back with a hasty laugh or joke. It felt too honest to have been a lie.

“SM made Irene so easy to fall in love with. It seems like they didn’t make her good enough for you?”

“I’d choose Joohyun over Irene any day.”

“Byulyi.”

Joohyun leaned against the back of the couch, one hand still delicately holding her soju glass as she studied her with hard eyes.

“You know… you know I can’t love you. I don’t think I’m capable of even… of loving another person properly.”

Maybe it was the soju making Byulyi brave as she shifted closer.

“I think you could, Unnie, if you let yourself. Maybe it won’t be me. But I think you deserve to be loved the same way you love others.”

Joohyun looked sadly down at Byulyi's hands. She reached for one and laced their fingers together.

“I don’t want to hurt you the way Yongsun did. I couldn’t… it’d hurt me.”

“So it’s better to just pretend that you don’t feel something here?”

“I don’t know how to love, Byulyi. You deserve-”

“I decide what I do and don’t deserve, Unnie! You said… you said that Yoobin made you always watch her back. Well I’m here looking at you, face to face. I want to be at your side. I-I want to be _with_ you. Do you think maybe you’d want the same thing?”

Joohyun swallowed, eyes studying their fingers with the focus of a scientist examining slides under the microscope. There was a precision to the way her gaze seemed to be committing the image to memory before sliding up to Byulyi’s face.

“I… I can’t.”

Byulyi tried to steel her expression but it was hard to hide her face from falling.

“Why can’t we just stay like this? Why do we have to change?”

“Because we deserve better, Unnie,” Byulyi replied thickly. She started to pull her hand away but Joohyun held firm.

“You don’t get to tell me what I do and don’t deserve.

“ _I_ deserve better, Unnie.”

Joohyun let her hand drop and Byulyi stood, beginning to clean up the scattered snacks and empty bottle.

“So that’s it? It’s over?”

Byulyi said nothing as she started to throw things in the trash, woodenly folding the bags into small rectangles.

“Byulyi, please.”

“I can’t just fool around with you anymore, Unnie. I think I _like_ you. If you don’t like me back then I need to try to move on. I can’t just do the same thing I always do. Not anymore.”

When Byulyi turned Joohyun was in front of her, gaze hesitant as she bit her lip.

“I’m… Byulyi, please. These past few days have been awful for me. But getting to see you really made me happy. It made me feel like myself. Or whoever myself is when I’m with you. I like her better than so many other sides I’ve shown to other people lately.”

Byulyi nodded slowly as Joohyun sighed in frustration.

“Unnie, I understand what you’re saying but I’ve also… with Yongsun and everything it’s all a little fresh. Maybe we should go on a break for a little while?”

“A break?”

“We can still be friends! But I just need to do this for myself. And I think you need it, too. We don’t have to throw ourselves at each other whenever we’re sad about our love life.”

“I think that’s how I envisioned tonight going,” Joohyun muttered in a chastened voice, crossing her arms as she stared at her slippers.

Byulyi took a step forward and cupped Joohyun’s cheeks with tentative hands, ignoring the way her heart hammered her chest at their proximity.

“I want both of us to be happy. We both deserve happiness, don’t we, Unnie?”

When Joohyun leaned into her touch they exchanged bittersweet smiles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is from Joohyun's POV. That will be the last one I promise! Really have loved building the dynamic between these two though. They're terrible communicators but hopefully things are on the road to a better future in this universe.
> 
> Also here are the moonrene lewks for the chapter: https://twitter.com/thewoundupbird1/status/1255694630147911680?s=20


	3. Chapter 3

Joohyun stood very still, staring at Byulyi’s back as the other girl refused to look at her.

“So, I should go?” She didn’t even want to bother saying that she had no way to get home without taking the subway or a taxi. Byulyi would take back her words and it’d make both of them feel awful.

“I think that’s the best idea, Unnie.”

“Are you worried you’ll do something?”

“Unnie.” Byulyi looked at her over her shoulder and her eyes were pained. Things were a little blurry without her glasses but she could see better than she’d let on in that convenience store earlier. Joohyun had just wanted Byulyi closer to her side to read whether she was getting spicy shrimp crackers or plain.

“I’ll get going then.”

“Just sit for a second until you’re more sober.”

“I don’t like girls who give me mixed signals,” Joohyun grumbled as she defiantly slid to the floor, lying down completely prone on her back. She peeked and saw Byulyi watching her, eyes dark. When she stretched her arms over her head she could feel her shirt ride up and expose her stomach and her high-waisted jean shorts. Joohyun had imagined the night ending with herself grinding herself raw on Byulyi’s hand, not drunk on the other woman’s floor in a last ditch attempt to seduce her.

“Unnie, lie down on the couch.”

“Don’t wanna,” Joohyun whined as she shook her head with closed eyes. The world spun a little less like this.

“Hey.”

Joohyun peeked an eye open and Byulyi was knelt next to her, blonde hair spilling over her shoulders. Without thinking she reached a hand forward and brushed the bristle of long bangs from the girl’s eyes.

“You need a trim,” she whispered, the pads of her fingers stroking the slope of her cheekbone all the way down to the warmth of pink lips. Byulyi breathed against the contact and Joohyun shifted a little more, watching her eyes curiously. Can’t you just give me this one nice thing, Joohyun asked whoever was listening. This girl who treats me nicely and makes me sometimes wonder if I deserve better? 

When Byulyi twisted her face into Joohyun’s palm like a cat, she felt her stomach drop. There was a tentative tenderness in the movement that made Joohyun’s heart pound in her ears. It made her think of herself in high school, staring at Yoobin in class while she napped between periods, holding a hand up to stop the sunlight that was peeking from the windows from disturbing her sleeping friend.

_Sweet sweet puppy love._

Joohyun jerked away and started to stumble toward her things, leaving Byulyi kneeling on the floor in surprise. 

“I’m going. Don’t follow me,” she barked out curtly. She ignored the other woman who was standing, clearly uncomfortable with her leaving.

“Unnie, let me at least call a taxi. Or-”

“You wanted me to go so I’m leaving. Now you want me to stay?” Joohyun snapped, throat boiling over with anger and frustration that she normally kept at a low simmer. When she looked at Byulyi whose hands were awkwardly in her pockets, she just couldn’t stand staying any longer. The sight of the other woman made her feel the exact opposite of the numbness she needed.

“I’ll text you when I get home.”

“Promise?”

“I keep my word.”

Byulyi swallowed and as Joohyun leaned down to slide on her shoes she felt her get closer. She leaned back against the wall for a moment and their eyes met again.

“We won’t see each other for awhile… will we?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I don’t want that. But I think we both need it. Unnie, I may have started to like you but with all my feelings mixed with you and Yongsun-unnie… I just don’t want to be making mistakes about this. I’m trying to be considerate.”

Joohyun carded a hand through her hair, frustrated because she saw Byulyi and her kindness and puppy love and it made her want to run far away. And press her against the door and kiss her senseless. 

“We both need time. We can sort out our feelings and try to have a conversation when things calm down. Red Velvet has a comeback in September anyway.”

Byulyi nodded and they were just staring at each other again. 

“Well. Good bye.”

Joohyun didn’t move, watching the way Byulyi took in her silence nervously.

“You can kiss me goodbye if you want to. It’ll be the last kiss you get for awhile.”

“Well I… is that a good idea, Unnie?”

“I won’t make you if you don’t want to.”

Byulyi sighed and shuffled forward, hands still in her pockets. Despite her baggy clothes and stage personality, she had an undeniable kindness that lingered in her eyes and smile. Joohyun reached forward and gripped the other woman’s sleeve and tugged so that their faces were close. She breathed Byulyi in, smelling the burn of soju mixed with watermelon and that musky perfume she always wore. Joohyun angled her face and kissed the corner of her mouth, trying not to smile at the sweet taste.

“There.” Byulyi blinked slowly at Joohyun, almost a little expectant for more. But Joohyun just shuffled to the side, reaching behind her for the door.

“I’ll see you around, Moon Byulyi.”

“I hope so, Unnie,” Byulyi muttered, hands still in her pockets and face flushed but not from the alcohol. 

Joohyun had to leave then because the image was almost too tempting to resist.

* * *

The first and last time Bae Joohyun fell in love at first sight was during a boring day in her second year of high school. She remembered listlessly staring out the window during break period, tired from staying up too late studying.

“Joohyun-ah,” her friend Sooin muttered as she slapped at her shoulder.

“What? I’m sleeping.”

“If you’re sleeping you shouldn’t be able to talk.”

“It’s an expression Choi Sooin, why can’t you-” the words died in Joohyun’s mouth as she rose from her seat in mock irritation to be met with the gaze of not just her friend but of another girl. She was taller, at least five centimetres more than Joohyun, with large eyes and a pretty half smile. Her hair was tied back casually at the nape of her neck in a way that seemed almost sporty.

“This is Yoobin. If you hadn’t slept through homeroom, you’d know that.”

“I thought you said I wasn’t sleeping.”

“Bae Joohyun, you give me a headache. Do you want to get in a fight with me?”

Joohyun opened her mouth for a quick retort but saw that Yoobin was watching her with a growing smile.

“Um, there’s a reason that Sooin took me over here. She said you needed a spare gym uniform? I brought an extra on accident because I thought they didn’t have my size.”

Joohyun blinked slowly, taking in the way Yoobin smiled at her, head tilting a little in curiosity.

“O-oh. Well could you give it to me when we go to class?”

“Sure thing! Bae Joohyun, right?”

The other girl was close now, leaning against a desk and stretching out one of her long legs. There was something almost puppy like in how she acted, all head tilts and easy-going smiles.

“Yeah. You can just call me Joohyun.”

“Joohyun-ah.”

She almost choked on her response, shoulders stiffening as Yoobin just looked at her with that easy smile. 

_Oh no,_ she thought distantly as she tried to nod stiffly. But Joohyun already felt herself sliding toward something inevitable.

* * *

“Unnie, are you almost done?”

Joohyun nodded as she finished ironing out the collar of Yeri’s uniform shirt, her bottom lip throbbing as she bit it in concentration. She carefully folded the last button-down and placed it on top of the stack of uniforms Yeri wore for the school year.

Seulgi watched curiously, legs stretched out and one hand in a bag of chips.

“All done,” Joohyun said with a bit of a satisfied smile as she clicked the iron off. Seulgi silently crawled over to the outlet and pulled the plug.

“If Yerim graduates she should pay you for all the times you’ve done this, Unnie. You won’t ever need to do a CF again.”

“If she graduates?”

“She’s basically a truant, Unnie.”

Joohyun gave Seulgi a hard stare until the other girl shrugged a little helplessly and dug her hand back into her bag of chips. When she seemed not to find anything, her brow furrowed and she bowed her head, digging for crumbs.

“Seulgi-yah.”

“Mm?”

“Have you… you went out drinking with Byulyi last night, right?”

“Oh yeah! It was to celebrate Mamamoo’s first concert since we couldn’t go. Do you want to see pictures?” 

It’d been a few weeks since their last conversation and subsequent… break-up? The word felt wrong somehow. A break-up would suggest that they were something in the first place. 

“Sure,” Joohyun said, trying to smooth out the stiffness in her smile as Seulgi scooted closer and thrust her phone in front of her face.

The picture was a little blurry and Joohyun tried to ignore the empty beer glasses peeking in the corner of the screen. Byulyi was leaning next to Seulgi for the picture, nose wrinkling as she wore a big laughing smile. Only half of Seulgi’s face was visible.

“Byulyi-unnie took me to this vintage bar in Jong-no. They only serve beer and bar snacks. We had to sit next to a company dinner and at one point the manager of the division came over and made me and Byulyi-unnie drink beers with them.”

“They didn’t recognize you?”

“Don’t worry, Unnie. They were too drunk to.”

Joohyun’s mouth twitched as she swiped to another picture taken earlier in the night with Byulyi flashing the camera a smirk with a mug of beer in one hand and a strip of dried fish in the other.

“Looks like fun,” she muttered as she handed the phone back to Seulgi.

“Unnie… is there a reason why Byulyi-unnie asked me how you’re doing? Are you not talking to each other anymore?”

Joohyun paused at the question, meeting Seulgi’s eyes carefully. They’d known each other far too long to be able to hide things. Despite how withdrawn Joohyun could get, Seulgi would always be quietly noticing her sullen faces. She also knew that Joohyun hated being asked what was wrong, that it almost felt worse to acknowledge weakness than to let it fester.

“We haven’t seen each other in a little while now.”

“So instead of meeting, you’re both just asking me how you’re doing?”

“Seulgi-yah. I think we should stop talking about it.”

There was a bit of Irene’s steel in the words as Joohyun stood, scooping up the pile of ironed uniforms in her arms. Seulgi said nothing as she just stared down at her hands.

“I think I’m going to go to bed. Let Yerim know that she needs to hang her clothes properly unless she wants me to iron for her every week.”

“Unnie.”

Joohyun clenched her jaw as she cast a glance over her shoulder, meeting Seulgi’s pitying eyes.

“She… I think she misses you, Unnie. If that means anything.”

“Sometimes, Seulgi-yah, missing isn’t enough.”

* * *

The way Yoobin’s hand felt in Joohyun’s made her face flush. They’d decided to take the long way home that day, long shadows cast behind them in the sunset.

“It’s nice that we got out early today. Being a third year is pretty terrible.”

Joohyun just smiled as Yoobin continued to swing their joined hands, climbing on top of an elevated curb with her free arm flapping around for balance.

“It’s a good thing we don’t have to do it alone.”

Yoobin looked at Joohyun and she felt her heart squeeze at the sight of this pretty girl smiling down at her with the sun at her back. She would have given everything to stay in this single moment of blissful naivety with just her and Yoobin free from all of life’s stress. 

And yet.

“But you’ll be moving all by yourself to Seoul next month. We won’t be able to do this stuff then.”

“You’ll… you’ll come visit won’t you, Yoobin-ah?”

“Of course! But you can’t become one of those Seoul girls, Joohyun-ah. I want to be able to recognize you the next time I see you,” Yoobin teased with a grin.

Joohyun’s smile faltered and she looked down at her school shoes, a little scuffed from her years of wear.

“I was worried when I told you I’d passed my audition,” Joohyun confessed with a squeeze to Yoobin’s hand. The other girl tilted her head curiously before dropping down to Joohyun’s level again. Still nearly half a head taller of course.

“Why?”

“Because when you go to Seoul you become different. You saw Yeseo-unnie when she came back from University for winter break.”

“But you’re not Yeseo-sunbae. I don’t think you’ll drop 500,000 won on clothes your first week in the city, Joohyun-ah.”

“But,” Joohyun protested quietly, face contorting in frustration as she tried to say what she actually wanted to.

And as always, Yoobin patiently smiled and made them stop walking, tugging Joohyun closer.

“Joohyun-ah. You’ll never be anyone but Joohyun to me. No matter what crazy hair color they give you or what kind of clothes they make you wear. You’ll always be Bae Joohyun.”

Joohyun swallowed at the way Yoobin was looking at her with soft eyes and a half smile. Like what she was saying was the simplest thing in the world. 

“What if I change into someone you can’t recognize anymore? What if they dye my hair purple and they put me in a silly dress and they make me sing a song you hate?”

“Well,” Yoobin said giggling and pulling Joohyun forward, “it’s a good thing purple is _our_ favorite color then.”

* * *

Joohyun fingered the ends of her hair with a humorless smile, the light purple feeling dry to the touch. When she had sent a picture of her new hair style to her high school friends she’d gotten a string of _kekeke_ from Yoobin. She almost forwarded the picture to Byulyi but had refrained.

“Isn’t he cute?” Joohyun glanced up and saw Sooyoung playing with a stuffed plush of Soohorang, the white tiger mascot for the Pyeongchang Olympics. Although the Olympics was more than a year away, Red Velvet had been asked to perform at a venue to get interest in buying tickets for the winter games.

“Very,” Joohyun muttered half-heartedly as she placed her phone face down on the table next to her. 

“Hello!” 

Everyone in the Red Velvet dressing room looked up curiously to see Seulgi with her arm around Byulyi in the doorway. It was ridiculous how her heart pounded in her ears as Joohyun stared at Byulyi. The other woman’s hair was a lighter shade of blonde and her smile was almost relaxed as she scanned the room. When their eyes met it felt something had stung Joohyun.

“Where’s Yongsun-unnie? She texted me that she’d be coming since We Got Married finished filming early,” Sooyoung asked as she waved around her stuffed animal.

Byulyi nodded as she walked into the room, reaching forward and gently petting the tiger plushie like it was an actual animal.

“She’s just getting her make-up done. Unnie said she’d stop by to say hi before we go on. I think our set’s before yours, right?”

“We’re one group behind you,” Joohyun said quietly, trying to keep her voice steady as Byulyi’s attention was directed at her. She fought the urge to gesture for her to come sit down so she could fix her hair which was sticking up a little.

“Oh I see. I’ll tell Unnie to hurry up so she doesn’t miss you. I think we’re leaving right after this is over.”

“Us too. We have to get ready to go on the radio to start promotions for Russian Roulette.”

“So does that mean no drinks for us for awhile?” teased Byulyi with a playful grin thrown at Seulgi who merely pouted.

“Not until promotions are over,” Joohyun muttered tersely, trying to tamp down on the guilt she felt at seeing Byulyi deflate a little. Her teasing smile was practically all gone as she started to turn toward the door.

“Well I’ll see you guys in a little bit. I’ll go grab Unnie and see if Hyejin and Wheein are up for moving.”

“W-wait. I’ll come with you.” Byulyi couldn’t hide the shock on her face but they were both lucky that all the members except for Seulgi didn’t seem to notice. As Joohyun walked by Seulgi she tried to ignore the hopeful gleam in the other girl’s eye.

“I need to go grab something from the convenience store. So I need to go out anyway.”

“Sure, Unnie.” 

They were both standing in the doorway now, Joohyun trying to ignore how strange it felt to be this close after nearly a month of absolutely nothing. Byulyi was in a striped blue shirt and black shorts, revealing nearly the entire tops of her thighs.

“Unnie?”

Joohyun blinked owlishly from her thoughts, trying not to focus on the furrow in Byulyi’s forehead.

“You don’t have to go with me if you’re uncomfortable,” she muttered, raising a hand to rub the back of her neck awkwardly. 

Joohyun ignored her, walking ahead into the cramped hallway. Backstage was small and staff members and idols alike were hopping from room to room in various states of makeup and costumes.

“How have you been lately?”

Joohyun and Byulyi shifted to the side as a group of staff sprinted past them. When Joohyun turned, her face was so close to the other woman’s that she could see the faintest outline of the lenses she was wearing. She preferred Byulyi in glasses.

“I could be better,” Joohyun murmured dryly as her eyes dropped down for a moment at the slight frown curling Byulyi’s mouth.

“Seulgi was telling me about preparations for the comeback being difficult. I’m looking forward to the new song.”

“And our ridiculous hair colors?”

“Seulgi is very lucky she can pull off orange,” Byulyi replied diplomatically and Joohyun gave her a warranted eye roll. 

“I expect nothing less from our lives.”

“I like your hair though. Really.”

They paused at the fork in the hallway. Joohyun saw the little convenience store next to a staff room. But she couldn’t quite get herself to leave.

“Have you been well? Seulgi showed me videos from your concert.”

“Did she now?”

“I-I asked for them,” Joohyun muttered, face feeling hot as she stared down at their feet. Her white sneakers contrasted with the black heels Byulyi was wearing.

“Unnie… you know I missed you, right?”

Joohyun felt her jaw clench as she kept her gaze stubbornly at their feet. She wished she could do a thousand things in that moment. Grab Byulyi’s hand. Kiss her against the nearest wall. Hold her face in her hands and tell her that she’d missed her too.

But when she shakily looked into Byulyi’s eyes, all she saw was a short-term fix for a long term problem.

“Did you really?”

Byulyi’s face twitched and she knew she’d be full on frowning if not for the array of staff and volunteers scurrying around them.

“I meant what I said the last time we spoke, Unnie. I do think I can have…”

They both quieted when someone got within ear shot and Byulyi gave her an apologetic smile. And Joohyun understood. Even if she were to tell Byulyi that she wanted a date on the Han River tomorrow this was all their romance would ever amount to. Whispers in quiet hallways and stolen kisses behind closed doors. 

At least with a one-sided love there was no hope or expectations for something that would inevitably lead to disappointment.

“I should go. And you should, too.”

“Unnie, I think I could really like you,” Byulyi choked out and Joohyun tried to ignore the pang in her chest at the wetness clinging to the other woman’s eyelashes.

“That wasn’t why we started things, Moon Byulyi.”

“I couldn’t help it.”

And Joohyun snapped. She grabbed Byulyi’s wrist roughly and marched her down the hall, dragging her all the way to the empty dressing room she’d noticed when Red Velvet had first arrived. She shoved Byulyi inside and shut the door behind her.

Their shoulders both relaxed a little at finally having a bit of privacy.

“You couldn’t help it?” Joohyun bristled.

“Yes. I couldn’t. You’re easy to fall for.”

Joohyun felt her mouth curl into a snarl and she felt the beginning of something ugly slip outside of the carefully contained cage she had on her emotions.

“Of course I’m easy to fall for. I’m Irene from Red Velvet! Do you see this skirt they put me in? This makeup? That’s the whole point, Moon Byulyi! I’m supposed to be your fantasy that you’re thinking about day and night. That’s how we get more albums. That’s how we get more CFs!”

“I’m not talking about Irene and you know that,” Byulyi whispered, jaw clenching and unclenching. She took a step forward and Joohyun’s back hit the door. She felt like a caged animal even though she’d been the one who’d dragged them in here.

“That’s all I can be for you. I haven’t been just Joohyun since high school.”

“I don’t like just Joohyun or Irene. I like you. And I want to date _you_.”

Joohyun let out a small whimper and she had to cross her arms over her chest so that she could hold herself together for a little while longer.

“You can’t know what that means. _I_ don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“Unnie.”

Joohyun shakily exhaled as she reached for one of Byulyi’s hands. The warm touch grounded her as she tightened her grip.

“I’m sorry that I can’t make you happy, Byulyi-ah. I really… I really wish that I could.” Joohyun knew her eyes were wet and her heart pounded in her ears when Byulyi gently caught the few droplets with the back of a finger.

“I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just… I know that if I don’t bring this up you won’t.”

Joohyun was silent. It was the truth. 

“You’re the first person I think I’ve ever not wanted to reject,” Joohyun whispered miserably, unable to look at Byulyi.

“You can’t just say things like that to me and not expect me to feel-”

Byulyi sighed and let go of Joohyun’s hand.

“I need to get back to my dressing room. I’ll see you around, Unnie.”

“Byul-ah.”

The other woman shook her head and maneuvered around Joohyun to get through the door. And then Joohyun was all alone. 

* * *

The one-sided love that Joohyun had nursed quietly by herself for years broke open raw and ugly at the simple sentence.

“Jaehyuk-oppa asked me out. And I said yes.” Yoobin smiled a little shyly at the admission, looking up expectantly at Joohyun. She’d come all the way up to Seoul for her usual monthly visit. They’d been doing this for nearly three years now. Yoobin had even met some of the other trainees because of the frequency of her visits.

She tried to keep her composure as she chewed her food slowly, staring forward from her spot on the bench. Joohyun would have given anything to unhear those words. She wanted to press her hands against her ears and scream. Instead she twisted over to give her friend a small smile that felt like the smiles she’d started practicing in front of the acting coach all the trainees worked with. 

“Yoobin-ah, congrats! Does he… does he make you happy?”

Yoobin nodded slowly, a grin stretching her cheeks as she stared distantly at the park in front of her.

“He’s so shy that I didn’t really expect him to ask. He’d always come to the shop and order the same macaroon set but never talk to me. What was I supposed to think?”

_A stalker,_ Joohyun had teased with a little more bite than usual when Yoobin had mentioned him in their weekly phone calls. She’d realized after hanging up on the phone call that for once her cheeks didn’t ache from smiling.

“Have you gone on a date yet?” Joohyun asked softly as she played with the plastic of the rice ball wrapper. 

“We went to the river last week. You know that place we used to walk around when we were in high school? Where you first held my hand?”

“Oh. I see.”

“Joohyun-ah, you know this doesn’t change anything, right? I may not be able to come up to Seoul as often but I still will call you every week. You’re one of my best friends.”

Yoobin turned and gently grasped Joohyun’s wrist with an earnest look. It felt like something was caught in her throat because it was simultaneously the kindest thing Yoobin could have said but also the worst. 

“What do you mean things won’t change? We thought Sooin died when she got her boyfriend.”

Yoobin laughed at that, stroking a thumb over Joohyun’s wrist like she couldn’t feel her rapid pulse.

“Well we can’t all be like you with your ex-boyfriend. Did you two even have a date alone? You always dragged that poor guy to everything we did.”

“I didn’t want you to think he was more important that you two.”

“Oh, I think he got the message, too.”

Joohyun smiled at the memory, recalling how she’d accepted that boy’s confession in high school because she didn’t want Yoobin to be suspicious of why she was always clinging onto her for attention. It made her crush less obvious, she thought. But then Yoobin had accidentally fallen asleep on her shoulder on a bus ride home and Joohyun couldn’t quite stomach letting that boy hold her hand and kiss her anymore.

“I don’t think I’m good at dating. And with my future career it just might not be something I can do… ever.”

“Joohyun-ah.”

“You know I’m not good at expressing myself. I have such a hard time telling someone what I want and how to communicate my _feelings._ ”

Yoobin laughed at the way she practically spat out the word. When Yoobin threw her head back, still chuckling, Joohyun felt trapped in her smile.

“Yah, Bae Joohyun. You’re crazy if you think that you won’t find love. You're one of the most caring people I know. I think whoever is lucky enough to date you will be so happy.”

Joohyun couldn’t bear to look over at Yoobin out of fear that she’d burst into tears. She was so good at saying the perfect thing.

Wordlessly, Joohyun reached for Yoobin’s arm and lightly gripped her wrist.

“That Jaehyuk guy is really lucky to be dating you, Yoobin-ah. I hope he makes you happy.”

When Yoobin simply ducked her head and giggled, all Joohyun could do was stare straight ahead.

* * *

“I didn’t think you’d come,” remarked Yongsun as Joohyun tugged her hat further down to cover her face. 

“You said this would be the last week you’d be free before your company locked you in the practice room for promotions.”

Yongsun grinned a little as Joohyun sat down across from her in the trendy café. They were in the back, tucked behind a gaudy display that hid both of them from the window. Joohyun was a little amazed that Yongsun was sitting across from her in a dress and no hat or mask, completely unbothered about trying to hide her identity. Then again Joohyun had recently had the disconcerting experience of nearly running face first into a poster of her own face photoshopped to perfection as she held a cup of coffee for the company she’d been promoting.

It felt a little safer to know that if someone was looking at her, it absolutely wasn’t because she’d been recognized.

“Are you happy that you’re done promoting Russian Roulette?”

“Yeah. I’ll be able to rest for a little while. I may be heading back home to Daegu for a few days before filming for the variety show.”

“The laundry one?” Yongsun asked curiously, sipping at her iced drink through her straw.

“Yeah. It’s one of the more unique opportunities I’ve gotten to do.”

“You can just say it’s weird, Joohyun-ah. I’m not taping this.”

Joohyun’s shoulders relaxed a little and she smiled as she reached for the drink Yongsun had ordered for her ahead of time. The strawberry milk was a rare reprieve from her strict diet.

“Sorry. I’m just used to being _on_ all the time.”

“It’s okay, I understand. Being with my members helps make me feel a little less… idol-like. But it can’t completely go away.”

“It’s impossible to. It’s our job.”

“Yeah.” Yongsun’s mouth twisted up as she shook the ice around in her cup with her straw.

“Yongsun-ah.”

“Hm?”

“I… Are you mad at me?”

“Me? Why would I be mad at you?”

“Because… well I’m sure Byulyi told you about… us?”

Yongsun pursed her lips.

“Well she didn’t have to tell me anything. I _saw_ you both.”

“N-no,” Joohyun stuttered out, her face feeling hot as she gave a nervous glance around her. “I meant that we’re no longer… meeting.”

“Oh? Because of your busy schedules?”

“No… it’s… well it’s because we decided it’d be best to stop.”

“Hm?”

Joohyun quickly jerked her head up in exasperation. Only to see Yongsun smiling at her cheekily, sipping on her drink.

“Sorry, I just thought if you said it this conversation would be easier. I think if you’re not even able to say what your problem is you’re not ready to talk about it yet.”

“I don’t know if I’m exactly _ready_ to talk about it. At least not here.”

“We don’t have to be explicit. But to answer your question, yes she told me about it. Or well she tried to. She was crying a lot.”

Yongsun’s words were said without a shred of negative emotion. She simply punctuated it with a long sip, giving Joohyun a level look. 

“I see.”

“I think you both did the right thing.”

“W-what?”

“I’ve already seen Byulyi love someone one-sidedly.” Yongsun’s eyes darkened as she glared into her glass of just ice. “It feels really good to have all of that loving attention. I get that it’s hard to push her away if you don’t feel the same.”

“I-I didn’t-”

“I was too much of a coward to tell her to her face that I knew how she felt. And it just ate her up inside until she couldn’t do anything but explode at me. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself for doing that to her.”

“She liked you for awhile,” Joohyun commented as she looked down at her drink. The red of the strawberry jam clung to the shards of ice like blood spatter.

“I know. I was too afraid to say anything. And also… I wasn’t always sure if I didn’t like her back.”

Joohyun jerked up quickly, meeting Yongsun’s sheepish smile.

“When you’re on the receiving end of such blatant affection… it’s sort of hard to know when you’re just enjoying the attention or when you actually like someone. No one had ever acted like that towards me before Byulyi, you know.”

“I see.”

“I’m not trying to make excuses here. It wasn’t fair to her and by the time I sort of figured it out she’d confessed to me and then avoided me for nearly a month.”

“Are you still sure that you don’t like her back?”

Yongsun tilted her head, eyes narrowing.

“Are you jealous?”

Joohyun felt her face heat up and she shrugged a shoulder.

“No I just… that would be something straight from a drama.”

“Does that mean you’d be the second male lead?”

“Maybe.”

“But Joohyun-ah, the dramas are wrong, you know. A painful unrequited love that goes nowhere doesn’t always end in a romance.”

Joohyun watched the slant of Yongsun’s mouth and the way her eyes dipped to the table.

“But maybe in this case it could?”

“No. Not anymore anyway. I can say confidently that she likes you.”

“But she liked you first.”

“I think Byulyi should be the one who decides who she wants to pursue. And right now that’s definitely you. She wouldn’t tell you that but I will.”

“And you support it?”

Yongsun sighed as she gently pushed her nearly melted drink off to the side.

“When she liked me and I couldn’t return her feelings… I saw how stuck she was. I think with the past few months with you she’s been different. Happier. More comfortable. I want Byulyi to love someone that makes her grow and change. Not someone who just traps her in a box.”

“Yongsun-ah.”

The other woman mirthlessly smiled at Joohyun.

“Byulyi didn’t exactly tell me your reason for why you agreed to end things. But when she told me that she wanted to protect her heart a little I understood.”

“Do you think I’m the villain here?”

“No. I think you have your reasons for acting this way. But I just want you to know that I’m saying this not to meddle but just to defend my best friend. Byulyi is a good person and she won’t pressure you. But I think that after what she went through with me she won’t pine away for you forever. So if you want her even a little bit maybe you should talk to her about it before she moves on.”

Joohyun’s jaw clenched as she looked down at her hands in her lap.

“I-I don’t know what I want exactly.”

“Then it’s good that you ended things before you led her on.”

“But I…” Joohyun bit her lip as she tried to get a handle on the emotions that threatened to spill out of her like a broken dam. “She was the one person who I really felt like I could be myself with.”

Yongsun nodded at her slowly.

“Maybe you have your answer then. But please Joohyun-ah, only if you’re sure. I don’t know what I would do if I saw Byulyi crying again.”

Joohyun sighed as she finished the last of her drink, the saccharine sweetness of the syrup coating her tongue. She didn’t quite know how to reply.

* * *

“Do you think it’s so bad to want things to stay the same forever?” Joohyun muttered bitterly into Yoobin’s shoulder.

The other girl laughed quietly as she massaged a hand into Joohyun’s hair. It was right after their high school reunion and she’d let herself drink a little just to unwind. Even though Sooin and Yoobin were next to her the whole night, the stares from her classmates had set her on edge. 

“I don’t think you’d want to be stuck on my shoulder forever. It’s sort of pointy.”

When Joohyun leaned back to glare at Yoobin the other girl merely smiled. It was a warm night in Daegu and they were sitting on a bench by the river. It felt like high school all over again.

“It’s not nice to see such a pretty face glaring at me.”

“Well don’t be annoying then.”

Joohyun’s phone chimed. It was automatic, the way she dug into her pocket and looked down at the message from Byulyi.

“You text more than you used to,” Yoobin observed quietly as Joohyun tapped out a reply. “Are you dating someone?”

“W-what? Me? Why would I-”

“I can’t really think of any other reason you’d be smiling like that. You hate using technology.”

Joohyun felt her face freeze at the observation, realizing that her mouth had been turned upward into a small smile as she’d started to reply to Byulyi’s text. Byulyi had finished her schedule for the day and was commenting on the selca she’d sent her way before going to the restaurant for the reunion.

_Wah, Unnie you look so pretty. I don’t know what I’d do if I was there._

“She’s just someone I know from work,” Joohyun muttered tersely, pocketing the phone despite the unfamiliar guilt she felt. She didn’t like leaving Byulyi on read. But this was Yoobin. Yoobin who still made her feel like Joohyun, the girl from Daegu. Yoobin who let her act like she was just a normal person and not an idol.

“I think it’s good if you’re seeing someone, Joohyun-ah. We may come from a conservative town but I don’t mind.”

“I-I know. But we don’t really have a relationship.”

“Oh? Is she a one-night girlfriend then?”

Joohyun flushed at the question, burrowing her face into Yoobin’s shoulder as she felt her quiet laugh.

“You’ve really grown up, Joohyun-ah. I remember when you dated that one girl and you could barely hold hands with her. Do you remember that? When I came up to Seoul and saw you in the middle of your date?”

Joohyun hummed as she recalled how shortly after she’d broken things off with the trainee. Seeing Yoobin and the other girl standing right next to each other had been a little too much for her to handle. So she’d reacted instinctively, pushing her away without a second thought.

“I don’t think I’ve changed that much.”

“But you have. You’re so different.”

Joohyun pulled away from Yoobin, frowning at the comment.

“Different?”

“Well I mean we all are. You’re taking off with your career. Sooin finally got a job. And I um…” Yoobin flushed and Joohyun pulled away, letting her frown really show. 

“Yoobin-ah, what is it?”

“I didn’t want to tell everyone there because they would have made a big fuss. But…” Yoobin moved to pull something from her purse. Joohyun felt her heart pound in her ears as she stared at Yoobin’s hand, now adorned with a ring on her finger.

“What is that?” Joohyun asked flatly, not even trying to pretend.

“It’s an engagement ring. He proposed to me.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Joohyun-ah, can’t you even pretend to be happy for me?”

Joohyun felt her face twist in confusion at the uncharacteristic annoyance in Yoobin’s tone. She’d never said to her face that she didn’t like hearing about Jaehyuk. But over the years Yoobin had only mentioned him if Joohyun asked. Sometimes she’d forgotten that she was dating him.

“What do you mean? Of course I’m happy for you.”

“No you aren’t. I can tell on your face. You may have taken acting lessons but I’ve known you since we were high schoolers. You’re upset.”

“I’m not upset.”

“So you’re going to lie to me?”

Joohyun swallowed and she looked away, staring at the river in front of her. There was a couple walking past, holding hands and laughing.

“I do feel happy for you. It’s just a little surprising.”

“Surprising? We’ve been dating for five years.”

“Yes but you… you just never seemed to bring him up. I didn’t know it was going to turn into _marriage_.”

Joohyun heard Yoobin sigh loudly next to her.

“I would have talked about him more if you didn’t look so annoyed whenever I brought him up. I thought I was being considerate to you.”

“It doesn’t matter. Congratulations. On your engagement.”

“Thanks.”

They’d never really fought before. Yoobin was always forthright with what she was thinking and Joohyun kept things close to her chest until she felt like she’d explode. Her feelings for Yoobin sometimes had boiled to the surface and made her more terse in some phone calls. But none of her little comments or faces had ever gotten this reaction from Yoobin. Joohyun peeked to the side and saw in the tightness of Yoobin’s jaw and the narrowing of her eyes just how angry she was.

“I’m sorry. I am happy for you, Yoobin-ah. I’m just stressed about things with work,” Joohyun lied with a small smile, starting to reach for the other woman’s wrist.

“You always say that. Joohyun-ah, it’s okay to feel like this if you want to. You always just bottle things up until you explode.”

Joohyun felt an unfamiliar flush of anger and she turned to Yoobin more fully.

“Do you know what it’s like doing the work I do? I have to be some smiling doll every day, singing and dancing in front of hundreds of people and pretending like most of them actually care about the years I’ve spent training to get to perform for them. If I actually said what I felt half the time, I’d be forced to retire.”

“Joohyun-ah.”

“Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize myself. They didn’t even make me get surgery but I still don’t know who I am. I’ll watch myself in interviews and wonder, ‘Who is she?’ Half the time this feels like some sort of dream.”

Yoobin sighed and placed a hand on Joohyun’s shoulder. For once it didn’t feel quite as comforting as it usually did.

“You’ve changed a lot. But is that a bad thing? You’re learning things and traveling to places you wouldn’t have dreamed of if you hadn’t left for Seoul.”

“I’ve changed a lot. I’ve lost a lot. Aren’t they the same thing?”

“What? No… Joohyun-ah, change is a good thing. It means you’re growing! And seeing things in a new way. I know I always tell you you’re the same Joohyun to me but I hear you talk sometimes and I can tell you have a different perspective on a lot of things. You read more. You’re more talkative and confident. And that’s good!”

Joohyun bit her lip as she shifted uneasily.

“But if I change, will _you_ be able to recognize me anymore?”

Yoobin sighed and squeezed Joohyun’s shoulder.

“You’re one of my best friends, Bae Joohyun. You could turn into a rabbit and I’d still feel the same way.”

Joohyun nodded, grateful that they were outside so it didn’t feel so hard to breathe.

* * *

Joohyun laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. The talk with Yongsun from the other day bounced around in her head, haunting her. To make matters worst, when she’d go to Daegu for the weekend Sooin demanded a get together with her and Yoobin to celebrate the engagement. It felt like an unbearable weight was pressing down on her chest and she had no one she could share it with. Her members were exhausted from promotions for the past month. Yoobin was obviously unavailable until they had at least once more conversation about what they’d talked about when they’d last seen each other. Yongsun had done the most she could.

That just left one person.

Joohyun rolled over onto her stomach and stared down at her phone. Automatically she scrolled through her contacts and paused at the name.

“Moon Byulyi,” she read aloud. Joohyun recalled with a smile at how Byulyi had pouted and begged for a cuter contact name. As if she didn’t just have her listed on her own phone as Bae Joohyun.

She stared at the name on the screen, a finger hesitantly hovering on the call button. Swallowing, she pressed down.

Joohyun almost lost her nerve as the ringing filled her small room. She instinctively jerked to end the call when she heard a sleepy voice from the other end.

_Hello… Any reason for this call?_

Joohyun’s response was automatic.

“I wanted to hear your voice.”

Byulyi was quiet on the other end. Speechless.

_I thought you were going to tell me that you never wanted to speak to me again._

“Why?”

_I don’t know. I tend to assume the worst sometimes._

Joohyun bit her lip as she stared out the window of her room. It was almost 2AM and she should be sleeping, resting for the early wake up tomorrow. And yet she couldn’t help herself from releasing everything that had been dying to burst from her.

“I think… I’m afraid of changing. And… admitting I might like you would mean I’m changing a lot. Liking Yoobin was the most consistent thing in my whole life. I’ve liked her longer than I’ve known my members. Longer than I’ve been debuted with Red Velvet. It’s an anchor for me.”

_Unnie._

“I’m just scared. I know you don’t… you deserve someone who is ready to love you as much as you love them. And I might get there someday. But that’s not now.”

_But someday?_

Joohyun smiled at the hopeful tone. She carded a hand through her hair before playing with the fabric of her pillow case. 

“Maybe. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to wait for me. I want you to do the things you want to. Love the people you want to.”

_I wish I could hold you._

Joohyun flushed at the way the words curled into her ear like a caress.

“Byul-ah.”

_I wish I could hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay. Unnie, take the time you need. This is a journey, right? When we see each other again I’m sure we’ll have a lot of new things to share together._

Joohyun’s smile widened as she leaned against the phone, imagining how it’d feel for Byulyi to touch her face again.

“I miss you. Maybe when I get myself sorted out we can get a coffee and talk.”

_Unnie, you hate coffee._

“I do. But I’d drink it for you.”

_Good thing we both don’t like it. We can share one of those tea-ades you like. It’s almost winter though so you might just have to settle for a hot chocolate._

Joohyun wrinkled her nose playfully as she settled against her pillow, letting her eyes flutter open and closed. 

“Do you have an early schedule tomorrow?”

_It’s okay, Unnie. I couldn’t sleep anyway._

“Liar.”

A soft chuckle was her response. Joohyun settled into her bed, letting the phone rest against her ear.

_Will you pretend like this didn’t happen when you wake up?_

“No.”

_Good_.

Joohyun hummed and listened to the lullaby of Byulyi’s steady breath on the other end of the phone. She wondered if the two of them would ever be able to do this side by side in the future. Not having to worry about hustling to a new schedule or getting picked up by a manager.

_I can hear you thinking from over here._

“Sorry. It’s just. I wish we could do this more often.”

_I’d call you every night if you’d like, Unnie._

Joohyun smiled.

“You’re too sweet, Moon Byulyi. What did I ever do to deserve you?”

Byulyi yawned sleepily in response and Joohyun felt an ache in her chest. She’d never let herself do this with Yoobin. She’d drawn a line, limiting how much space she could occupy in the other woman’s life for fear of being too much. But here with Byulyi falling asleep on the phone in her ear, she wasn’t worried about asking for this phone call. Because she knew Byulyi wanted to talk to her as much as she did. Joohyun tucked the quiet revelation away as she listened to Byulyi’s breath even out.

When she awoke a few hours later, hearing Sooyoung drop something and let out a string of expletives, she realized Byulyi was still on the call, sound asleep. 

* * *

Joohyun absently bit her lip before glancing at the message on her phone.

_Unnie, fighting!_

Her mouth twitched as she swiped upward to see the short message from Byulyi followed by an emoticon of an enthusiastic bear waving around heart balloons. 

“Sorry, Joohyun-ah, I’m almost done.”

She glanced up as she saw Yoobin rushing around the kitchen, wiping down the glass counter hurriedly with a cloth. The other woman flashed her a grin and Joohyun felt her eyebrows furrow because her heart wasn’t pounding in her chest at the sight. 

Joohyun fiddled with her phone again, trying to ignore the itch to go outside and call Byulyi just to hear her murmur reassuring things in her ear about how she could do this. It scared her a little how she could be calmed down with a kind text or a warm touch from the other woman. But it also made her feel a little relieved that another person could do that for her. She didn’t have to tamp down her emotions until they faded away, unable to tell someone out of fear of being a burden.

“Is there a reason you wanted to meet me earlier than 7? My work isn’t on the way to the restaurant.”

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Talk?” 

Yoobin tilted her head a little as she tucked her dirty rag into the front pocket of her apron.

“Apologize actually.”

“Oh, Joohyun-ah, what do you have to apologize for?”

“I…” Joohyun ducked her head as she pressed her curled fists against her knees, trying to slow her breathing.

“I shouldn’t have talked to you the way I did when you told me you were engaged.”

“Oh, Joohyun-ah… it’s alright. You seemed like there was something else on your mind.”

“Sort of. But I was upset. About your engagement.”

Yoobin frowned as she walked toward her spot on the little couch at the front of the store. She tried to keep her gaze on the other woman’s shoes out of fear that she would not be able to say the words she’d been repeating over and over again on the train ride from Seoul.

“Why were you upset?”

“Because… because Yoobin-ah, I’m… I was… in love with you.”

Joohyun’s jaw clenched as she was met with deafening silence.

“I-I was in love with you for nearly ten years. I shouldn’t have been but I was. And hearing that you were getting married just… I was really shocked. But I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I should have been happy for you.”

“Joohyun-ah.”

“I’m sorry, Yoobin-ah. If you love someone you should want them to be always happy. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.”

“Joohyun-ah, will you look at me? Please?”

She paused at the gentleness in Yoobin’s voice, feeling her eyes prickle with tears. Tentatively she lifted her head and saw her friend’s kind smile.

“Did you keep that locked away in your heart for all those years?”

Joohyun ignored how embarrassing it was to feel her tears trickle down her cheeks as she nodded.

“Joohyun-ah.”

“D-do you hate me?”

“No. Love isn’t something you can control.”

Joohyun nodded slowly, quickly wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand.

“I tried so hard to pretend like I didn’t love you. And then after awhile I just accepted that I would always love you and you wouldn’t love me back. But I think, Yoobin-ah, that maybe loving you as you walked away wasn’t good for me no matter how much I tried to convince myself. I should get to walk forward and be side by side with the person that I love.”

“Of course you deserve that, Joohyun-ah.”

Joohyun startled when Yoobin crouched down next to the couch and gently rested a hand to touch her knee.

“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?”

“Absolutely not. You tried your best with what you felt, Joohyun-ah. But you’re right. You deserve someone who loves you just as much as you love them.”

Joohyun smiled weakly as Yoobin squeezed her arm again.

“Thank you. Thank you for letting me love you for ten years. But I think I’m ready to move forward now.”

“You will always be one of my most treasured friends, Bae Joohyun.”

Joohyun raised her hand and tentatively squeezed Yoobin’s fingers.

“You too, Yoobin-ah.”

* * *

Joohyun was getting her makeup done when she saw Byulyi through the mirror. It’d been the first time they’d seen each other since early September although they’d been calling and texting practically every day. Is this what it felt like to have a real crush, Joohyun wondered as her heart pounded in her ears at the sight of Byulyi’s wide smile.

“Where is everyone?” she asked as she ambled to sit in the vacant chair next to Joohyun like they’d seen each other yesterday.

“They went to go get something from our managers. Sooyoung spilled juice on her costume so they’re trying to find a replacement shirt.”

“Really? What was she doing?”

“She ate too fast.”

Joohyun glanced to her side and there was Byulyi, leaning over the arm of her own chair and grinning at her with blonde hair haloed in the fluorescent lighting. The makeup artist gestured that Joohyun was finished becoming Irene and started to put away her brushes. They both waited a moment after the woman hurried out the door with a hand wave.

“What are you doing after the concert is over?”

“Getting dinner, probably. They wanted us to go back to Seoul on KTX but we weren’t able to buy tickets in time for all of us.”

“You should have dinner with us. Hyejin and Wheein said they know a good bar nearby.”

“Aren’t they from Jeonju?”

Byulyi shrugged with a smile, rising from her seat to hover by Joohyun’s shoulder.

“Jeonju, Busan. They aren’t too far away.”

“I’m from Daegu, you know. I went to Busan at least once a month growing up.”

“You’re getting older, Unnie. Do you remember what you did all those years ago?”

Joohyun swatted at Byulyi’s shoulder with an eye roll but the other woman simply grabbed her hand, holding her fingers loosely. She ignored the way her cheeks warmed at the contact, staring down at their hands. Byulyi readjusted so that their fingers interlaced and Joohyun let her.

“You’re the set before us,” Joohyun murmured quietly, tilting her head back as Byulyi’s warmth spread against the side of her arm. She hummed in response as she carefully adjusted some hair at the crown of Joohyun’s head.

“The purple in your hair is starting to fade,” Byulyi commented quietly.

“Does it look weird?”

“No… it’s like you’re Bae Joohyun and Irene all at once.”

Joohyun pulled Byulyi’s hand into her lap, running her fingers over her knuckles.

“You’re Byulyi and Moonbyul too. I can see your roots in the blonde hair.”

“We’ll always be both. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Joohyun hummed at the comment, her heart hammering in her chest because they were both alone together after nearly two months and Byulyi was looking down at her like she could be in love.

“I missed spending time with you,” Joohyun confessed quietly, leaning into Byulyi’s shoulder. She couldn’t turn and look up into Byulyi’s eyes out of fear of what she would see. Byulyi’s response was pressing herself closer, wrapping an arm around Joohyun.

“Our work may have its ups and downs but I love that I can see you like this once in awhile.”

“Even if we have to avoid our members to get some alone time?”

“They’re a special part of it, too.”

“It’ll be hard, Byulyi.”

They pulled away a little and Byulyi frowned down at her. Without thinking Joohyun raised her hand and gently cupped her jaw. Her mouth twitched when Byulyi turned her head to kiss Joohyun’s palm.

“I still want this. With you.”

“We’ll have to hide this. And we’ll both have to lie.”

“I do that every day, Unnie. Might as well do it for something that makes me happy.”

“I make you happy?”

Byulyi chuckled at the quiver in Joohyun’s voice. Her eyes were warm like honey as she just looked at Joohyun, giving an answer without a word.

“Do I make _you_ happy?”

Joohyun paused, thinking of how every text and call they shared had become a comfort in a way that their relationship before had been. But now when she texted Byulyi there wasn’t an afterthought of Yoobin looming over her. Or the dark shadow of Byulyi just using her for her body in replacement of Yongsun. 

“Yeah. Yeah, you do.”

When Byulyi smiled at Joohyun, nose wrinkled and cheeks straining from the effort, Joohyun couldn’t help but smile back.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

They walked hand in hand along the edge of the beach, the sound of crashing waves steady behind them.

“You drank too much,” Joohyun grumbled as she glanced over at Byulyi’s flushed face. When she got no response, she squeezed the other woman’s hand tighter.

“Unnie, are you cold?”

“Not really.”

“Mm, I think you’re lying.”

Byulyi suddenly turned and tugged Joohyun flush against her, giggling into the crown of her head. Joohyun whined against Byulyi’s neck, their intertwined hands now wedged between their chests.

“Moon Byulyi, will you stop being an idiot?”

“Never for you, Unnie.”

Joohyun sighed as she tilted her head back, squinting a little because the closest street light was a ways away on the boardwalk. The only thing illuminating them was the glow of the Busan city lights and the reflection of the moon and stars on the ocean water.

It was romantic in a way that Joohyun had never dreamed of for herself. She was a little in disbelief that she was even here, walking along the nearly empty beach of Haeundae with someone who liked her back on a crisp fall night. Could she really be allowed to be happy like this?

“You’re so beautiful.” 

Joohyun sighed and tentatively reached up, cupping Byulyi’s warm cheeks with her cold fingers. She giggled at the way Byulyi playfully started to whine but didn’t even try to pull away.

“What am I going to do with you, Moon Byulyi?”

“Date me.”

Joohyun paused at the simple words, stiffening at the seriousness in Byulyi’s eyes. She swallowed as she tried to ignore the panic in favor of the happiness curling her mouth into a smile.

“If we start dating will you keep my hands warm?”

“Mm.”

“If we start dating will you hold me when I’m lonely.”

“Mm.”

“If we-”

Byulyi stopped Joohyun as she leaned forward wrapping her arms around her waist as she pulled her into a kiss. In surprise Joohyun rested her arms on the taller woman’s shoulders, eyes fluttering closed as Byulyi’s warm mouth pressed against hers. It was familiar and soft and felt a little like hope.

Joohyun whimpered softly as she dug her fingers into Byulyi’s long blonde hair, lips parting so that their mouths could slot together perfectly into a _real_ kiss. It was a little messy as they pressed against each other. It felt almost like teenagers kissing with how eager they were being. But maybe Joohyun deserved something like this. She hadn’t let herself have a sweet romance for nearly ten years. She needed to make up for lost time. 

“Unnie,” Byulyi whispered against her mouth. “If we don’t stop soon I don’t know what I might do.”

Joohyun pressed a firm kiss against Byulyi’s mouth, needing one last bit of affirmation that this was exactly what she wanted.

“Fine. But you’re paying for our first date when we’re back in Seoul.”

“But you’re the one with all the money, Unnie. Plus you’re older. Unnie’s treat, right?”

“Oh, you want Unnie to take care of you, Byul-ah?” Joohyun’s eyes fluttered as she smirked up at Byulyi, relishing how the other woman’s face flushed. This time it definitely was not from the alcohol.

“T-that’s not fair.”

“I think you’ll learn that I am never ever fair.”

“I look forward to learning a lot about you, then.”

“I look forward to learning a lot about you, too.”

They turned and started walked back toward the seaside bar, hands interlaced. Byulyi tugged Joohyun closer and stuck their shared hands in the pocket of her jacket. They didn’t need to even look at each other to know that their smiles were matching despite the chilly wind turning their noses red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been such a pleasure to write this. delving into two of my favorite artists in kpop and exploring the themes of unrequited love, growing up, and moving on have been such a fun and exciting thing to do as a writer. thank you to all that enjoyed this! maybe this won't be the last fic in this universe if you guys want more for the future. but for now i think in this universe joohyun and byulyi are about to have a very happy start to a solid romance!
> 
> Also here are the final moonrene looks for the fic: https://twitter.com/thewoundupbird1/status/1255696969646764033?s=20

**Author's Note:**

> I've always loved this rarepair and decided to write something in honor of it. All hail moonrene!


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